#26: Fancy Drinks

scrubs-JDFancy Drinks.

It amazes me that we will starve ourselves to be thin yet we will never hesitate to down drinks in pink, green, blue, or yellow hues– doused in an unbelievable amount of sugar and calories.

Pop a piece of fruit on it and we’re there.

I used to be a bartender. I know. Drinks are an indicator of a woman’s personality. Gentleman, if you can find a woman that is down with Bourbon and a mixer, marry her. She’s a keeper. If she can’t do anything but sip on a Daquiri–she is a questionable human being at best.

And so I present, the typical Fancy Drinks women love–and what that drink says about the women that drink it.

Here it goes…

Gross.

Gross.

The Margarita

This is the “I don’t give a shit about myself” drink.

Loaded in salt, sugar, and some yellow/green shit, it is the ultimate party starter in any Mexican restaurant. Let’s face it, most people that order this piece of crap don’t care what kind of tequila is in it. It’s just in there. Drink up.

Between the chips, that chicken and cheese quesadilla you just scarfed down in 2.5 minutes flat and the pitcher of liquid crap you funneled, have fun with that after-effect tomorrow. Women that insist on this drink everytime they party are lonely, depressed, or downright done with caring about themselves. It’s a sad, sad drink.

I’ll drink ‘em every once in awhile. I’ll say something like “I don’t give a shit! Let’s a get a pitcher! Whoo Hoo!”

I rest my case.

Carrie loves this drink...

Carrie loves this drink...

Cosmopolitan

Cosmo for short bitches.

If you don’t know what this is, you have never seen Sex and the City. Therefore, you are not cool.

This is the ‘trendy drink.’ It’s pink, relativley low cal, and comes in a cute glass. A lady that orders this everytime she goes out wants to be The Shit. She must always look fashionable and appear to be fabulous. She judges every lady that walks in the door. She scoffs at the men looking in her direction. They are looking, you know. This is the drink for women that wish they lived in the city (any city) but are confined to the suburbs.

I effing love a good Cosmo.

So cute!

So cute!

Appletini (Zach Braff’s fav)

I used to make these like gangbustas when I bartended.

The Appletini is the bubbly girl’s answer to the Cosmo. “It’s sweet and sour! OMG!”  Green, sugary and without a hint of alcohol to taste, young drinkers love this one. It looks sophisticated but it actually isn’t. Awesome.

“I like mine with a cherry! Want to see me tie the stem into a knot with my tongue? I can do it! I swear!” Sound familiar?

This one is tasty. It is cute. It sneaks up on you. That’s the kind of lady that drinks this thing. Cute, bubbly and probably tasty. Either way, she’s high maintenance and will drive you nuts by the end of the night. This is the kind of girl that will meet a guy and declare that she loves him after about 5 more  glasses of this alien pee. Then she’ll cry when he leaves. She’ll also throw up when she gets home. Love her.

Have fun with that one.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

The Daquiri/Any Frozen Drink

The old lady drink.

Picture a tropical island. Beautiful bodies on the sand, waves washing to shore. Then the middle-aged partiers show up. What are the old ladies drinking? You guessed it. Break out the rum bitches.

Look, most ladies love a good frozen, alcoholic popscicle. Delicious. They just become much more popular with age for some reason. If they aren’t drinking a frozen Margarita (see first example), bring on the Daquiri. They get drunk as crap off of these things–which amazes me because there’s hardly any alcohol in them!

Maybe it’s because rum is easy. Rum is safe. Rum is yummy. Who knows?

Word of advice–when the seniors start doing the limbo, you know it’s time to jet.

I know,  I  know. All of the drinks mentioned above are tasty. We have all consumed said drinks. There are just typical women that insist on these every single time they decide to get crazy. Break the mold! Get out of your rut! Re-invent yourself!

Just sayin’….

15 responses to “#26: Fancy Drinks

  1. and agreed- nothing good ever happens after jager. just say no.

  2. i’m not going to leave too much of a self incriminating comment but…

    i’m the girl guys want to marry. minus the mixer. those are, sadly, unnecessary at this point. (and by ‘this point’ i mean sometime during my junior year. ouch.)

  3. Lovin’ the blog! And also, I love bourbon and (diet) Sprite. Pink drinks = headache waiting to happen.

  4. Hmmm…I never was one for straight hard liquor. I needed a sweet/sour/coke mixer :)

  5. Kyle in Melbourne

    I will never forgive your ass for making me go to that bourgie martini bar in Decatur back during the “Oooh, let’s get $20 martinis and watch ‘Queer Eye For the Straight Guy'” era (I believe that was 2004)

    Kisses, and caipirinhas!

  6. Why did I write simple sugar? I am such a noob. Simply syrup. Gah.

  7. You get cooler all the time, Karen. One of my lesser-known hobbies is cocktail making. I think I secretly wanted to be a bartender for a year. I followed a really cool drink-making/snobby blog for a while (until it ended)…http://dcdrinks.blogspot.com/

    Last night, after coming home from ‘Basterds and seeing all the whiskey, I decided to find some around the house. I could only find mid-grade stuff, though. So I made my own sours, with real lemon juice and simple sugar. Delicious. (Note to self: keep simple sugar on hand at all times.)

    I will confess, however, that I have made the said above female drinks at home. Some people around here like “gooey blender drinks” (Nick Cage, Leaving Las Vegas). The only gooey drink that ever sticks with me is a fine grasshopper (the key I’ve learned is real ice cream). I bet those were a bitch to make when ‘tending, though.

    And the truth about the Margarita is it is a damn fine drink. It’s just been f**ked over by these Mexican restaurants that think a crappy tequila and sweet & sour make a ‘rita. They don’t. I made a Pink Cadillac one time and thought to myself, if only briefly, that it was one of the finest girly drinks I’d ever tasted. I never made it again, though.

    Where’s my Wild Turkey up and a waterback?

  8. Dear Inane:
    Rocky (aka One Honest Man) is honored that you added him to your blog roll. Thank you!

    Rocky is currently on vacation, renting a beach house on Martha’s Vineyard. Having managed to mangle the Ice Machine, he has now moved on to the liquor cabinet…. as it appears that previous tenants leave their leftover bottles under the bar. As Rocky has no way of determining whether the vodka is really vodka (or if it’s rubbing alcohol), he’s sticking to the maraschino cherries for the moment.

  9. You know that green/yellow shit is to disguise the not caring what crappy tequilla is in the margarita. And those blue “megaritas” we used to make? With the gummy fish (that we weren’t supposed to eat- love the pinapple ones)? The woman who orders that everytime she goes out not only doesn’t care about a quality drink, she doesn’t care what happens for the next 2-3 HOURS.

    Remember Mega Long Island iced tea. Talk about not caring.

    My life long rule: Nothing good happens after Yager!

    • Dude. I effing love you. Those things were so nasty. If someone got that drink, you were most certainly getting a shitty tip.

      Ooohhh the mudslides! Remember those pieces of crap? Ew.

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