#9: Sweatsuits

The sweatsuit–God’s greatest creation.tracksuit Or Satan’s.

There are so many varieties I don’t know where to begin. Velour, cotton, spandex, polyester, gauchos– the list goes on and on.

Worn by women for generations, the sweatsuit is the perfect answer to those days when one simply wants to feel ‘comfy’. Style be damned. These fabulous items of clothing hide what women don’t want you to see, yet still come in marvelous shades of red, blue and orange. One minor issue with this idea could be that you look like the Kool-Aid man walking down the street if you go for the monochromatic look. Especially if you are plus-sized. Not a great plan.

If someone shouts “Oh Yeah!” or “Hey–Kool-Aid” at you– change the outfit. It WAS directed at you. Really. Disneysweat

My favorite sweatsuit trend would have to be cartoon icons on adult clothing (Men are guilty of this as well). Look ladies– Tweetie Bird, Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh ARE NOT appropriate items to be placed directly over your boobs. You are an adult. Let it go. Now. Your kids probably hate you when you wear that “Just Hanging Out’ sweatshirt with the cat on it. They probably wish the ground would open up and swallow you into it. Even if they are 6 and 8 years old– that trip to Disney is still no excuse to buy the Donald Duck Sweat in an XL because it’s soft. You look lame.

Not only do women wear these items around the house, but they wear them to the store, the gym, the park and other outdoor locales. American women love this shit. Do you think you’d find a European woman rocking a Pooh sweatshirt to their local market? I think not. But Americans love comfort. Comfort food, comfort cars and comfort clothing.

For some reason, it took the fashion industry a millenium to figure this out.

Until JLo.

JLo created what we all refer to now as the velour tracksuit. Inspired by comfort/outerwear, this ‘sweatsuit’ of sorts combined urban style with a comfy flair. Tight everything. The result was horrific.

In this Celebu-Country that we now live in, women naturally want to wear what the stars have on. Even if that means you perhaps wear something that was not meant for your body…err…type.

Enter this sweatsuit. Or– tracksuit. Whatever. I mean, if you are a female that is shaped like JLo and desires to wear a pair of tight fitting track pants with the word ‘DIVA‘ bedazzled on your ass–  I guess you can handle it. The problem is this: the women that buy this flaming crap are NOT shaped like JLo. They are shaped like Starr Jones— before the surgery. This item of clothing was not made for Starr Jones. It was made for Paris Hilton. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Tight, tight, tight. Just a thought.

After JLo’s curse on the USA, the onslaught of new and improved sweatsuits hit every store from Bloomingdales to Walmart. Most velour, most monochromatic, most ugly. But comfortable. Sweatsuits for the masses, ladies!! They still have not disappeared from the stores. They will live on–forever– in infamy.

And so, I end with these last few thoughts.

That sweatsuit or tracksuit (or whatever the hell it’s called) may be comfortable. I know that you probably love that comfy pair of ‘sweats’ after a long day. More power to you–at home. I can guarantee you this:

  • Yes, you will be mocked if you wear them out.
  • Yes, your kids will hate you for it.
  • Yes, you added 15 pounds to your frame in the traditional design.
  • Yes, it’s too tight on your ass (in the JLo version)
  • No– I do not like the jeweled Juicy on your buttocks.

Another thought before I go– if you wear anything remotely sweatsuity to bed at night– I’m sure that’s a real turn on for the hubby. Sexy choice. And some of us wonder why men cheat…

Thoughts, concerns, angry messages? Bring it.


2 responses to “#9: Sweatsuits

  1. I want to fight those women. Really.

  2. These “outfits” are like suppliers for “What Not to Wear”. Could that show exist without tracksuits? I bet Stacy and Clinton have stock in Disney sweats!

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