#10: Shoes

I know this one seems obvious. stiletto

But– I literally just pooped myself thinking about the new line of Jimmy Choos that came out–the ones I will never afford.

Women love shoes. We walk into a DSW or a Broadway Shoe Warehouse and we become rabid animals. I will literally fight a bitch over the last pair of size 10 (yes. I wear a size 10. What?) Nine West Red stilettos. These places are orgasms for our eyes. And feet.

Seriously– I have a friend with 29 pairs of Pumas. Seriously. Some women love sports shoes, others love boots. My favorite shoe however, has to be the heel.

It’s not that high heeled shoes are fun to wear by any means. In fact, I have many blister scars to prove this point. High Heeled shoes are so damn, for lack of a better word, sexy. We know men love them. We know men love our legs and butts in them too. We love how we look in them. They make us look–dare I say, Thinner? These shoes create an amazing line on any woman–regardless of body shape, height and often, weight.

The variety of high heels amazes me as well. Wedges, stilettos, the mule heel, heeled boots– I am drooling. And the colors! Oh– the colors! From basic black to magenta to silver– the choices are endless. Frankly, I don’t really care who made the damn things either– if I can afford it– I want it. If I could afford Manolos or Choos, I would. Alas, I am not Carrie Bradshaw and I recognize my financial limits.

Acceptable.

Acceptable.

I won’t just stop at the heels though, ladies. I have come to adore the flat as well. One must be careful with the flat. Especially if you have the dreaded cankle. Flats NEVER look good with a pair of capris and cankles. NEVER. (Just lose the capris and I’ll let anything slide. Effing capris.)

Look, if you are buying a ‘flat’ shoe from Sketchers or Walmart, we need to talk. Flats should add pop to your outfits. Color, shine, quirkiness.

Ew. No flats for you.

Ew. No flats for you.

They look amazing with skinny jeans and summer skirts. Yes, they are comfortable and many times, stylish. But this idea can go terribly wrong. Flats are not meant to be sporty. Those are the ugly ones I am talking about. We’ve all seen it– usually on our mothers or a teacher. Ew. And if you wear Crocs–you are a lost cause and I want nothing to do with you. What the hell are you thinking? No, I will never shop for shoes with you. We have no trust. You have broken that.

And dude– it is not just flats that have the tendency to be worn incorrectly. Stilettos can also go terribly wrong. I have seen many a pair enter the prom that have been tacky, ugly, and plain ghetto. After all, I was a high school teacher. If clear plastic, glitter or rhinestones appear anywehere on the shoe–burn it. If it has a ribbon on it that wraps up your calf–destroy it. And–most importantly– if you can’t handle walking in it–give it up. You can’t carry it off and women everywhere will notice. And mock you. Behind your back.

These are so gross. I need to throw up.

These are so gross. I need to throw up.

It comes down to this: Women and shoes are a marriage that may be made in heaven,  but can quickly become financial hell. Men be forewarned– as my closet is taken up by a ridiculous amount of heels and other feet related items, yours probably will be soon (if not already). It is the circle of life. It is the way of the world.

Try to reason with her. She’ll sigh and roll her eyes. Try to stop her. She’ll just hide her numerous shopping bags when you get home. Try to take the shoes back. She’ll cut you whilst you sleep.

When you see your woman with a pair of shoes on that you don’t recognize, ask her about them. She’ll say she’s had them for awhile and just found them again.

She’s lying.

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5 responses to “#10: Shoes

  1. I second Melissa.

  2. Oddly I was born without the female shoe shopping gene. The only shoes I’ll spend more than $30 on are Converse or running shoes. It’s really quite sad. Really enjoying the blog 🙂

  3. So i have to say that after reading this, I am extremely disappointed in myself. I have definitely over indulge in the subject of shoes. In fact a week ago I bought two more pairs. ANother $50 dollars I did not intend to spend, nor afford to spend. I cannot help it though. Walking into Charlotte Russe when the shoes are half price, my mind starts to shut down and my body takes over, dragging me to the never-ending she department. I have a feeling this dreaded addiction will never stoip, but I don’t find myself complaining. I rather like it. And I’ve totally hid the bags before…from my mother, and she’s a ninja.

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