#11: TLC

Better known as The Learning ChannelTLC

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this glorious channel– how is it living in a Third World Country? I mean– really? This shit is awesome. TLC single-handedly became the station that all women watch. Bye bye Lifetime.

Let’s just list some of the programs that TLC has to offer:

  1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
  2. Little People, Big World
  3. Say Yes to the Dress
  4. What Not to Wear
  5. Cake Boss
  6. A Baby Story

Dude. I watch all of these. Except for the one about the midgets. I have an irrational fear of little people. They terrify me. If someone sent a little person dressed as a clown to my house, I might freak out and kill the poor, tiny bastard. That’s how I roll. But, I digress…

Let me break down the shows and why each is awesome in it’s own way.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

Jon and Kate Plus 8: He’s a total pussy. She’s a total pain in the ass. They have 8 kids. What is not awesome about this? We’ve watched the sad demise of their marriage through the tabloids recently, but for those of us that have watched this show for some time– we knew it was coming.  I mean, are you faithful viewers shocked? If I even spoke to my husband with half of the attitude she gives Jon– I shudder at the thought. The kids even mirror her psychotic behavior now. They have no respect for their father. It’s almost comedic–in a sad way. That’s what you get for being pussified for 10 long years. And that hair cut. What the hell is that? It’s straight outta Bull-Dyke Magazine. Ladies– if you treat your hubby like this– you deserve what you get.

It was going to end 1 of 2 ways: Divorce, or Jon stabbing Kate to death in her sleep. I was hoping for the other one. Oh well.

How did she birth the big kids?

How did she birth the big kids?

2. Little People, Big World: See above.

I DO NOT watch this. But I do spend time wondering how the little person Mommy gave birth to 2 real-sized kids. That is amazing.

3. Say Yes to the Dress: Wedding dresses. Crazy

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

brides, bridesmaids, and mothers. What woman wouldn’t want to watch this? Being a consultant at Kleinfeld’s must be the most cush job in the world. Next to real-estate. You basically bullshit women into buying a $3,000 dress. It doesn’t matter what it looks like on them– if the bride likes it, the consultant agrees that it’s perfect. She could look like Mariah Carey in a Band-aid dress (Sausage rolls anyone?), but if the bride adores it– it is suddenly ‘The One.’ See how it’s like real-estate?

Easiest job in the world. Bull-shitters.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

4. What Not to Wear: Makeover shows are a must-watch for women. We love feeling that we too can be beautiful. With $5,000, 2 personal stylists, a makeup artist, and a hair stylist– yep. We can do this. I watch it for the insults. I mean, sometimes it truly is beyond me how some women get to this point. And the makeover candidates actually ARGUE with Stacy and Clinton. Lady, you are in NYC for a makeover. Thousands of candidates were sifted through and sorted–you were chosen. What does that mean? You suck at clothes, hair, and well, being a woman. Don’t argue. Do what they say. Always.

When they emerge gorgeous at the end of the episode, and no one has said anything yet,  Stacy always says ‘shut up!’

And I cry.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

5. Cake Boss: Italian Stereotypes, New Jersey, Cake. Yep. That’s about it. Amazing.

6. A Baby Story: Don’t act like you’ve never seen it. Good God, when I was pregnant (both times), I watched it like a maniac. Women watch this show at any given time of the day. I think they should show the bad parts in Sex-Ed.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Let me tell you something– for some reason, the women they put on this show–ugh– why are they screamers in the delivery room? Grow a pair and push. Watching this show makes me feel like a badass. I own those women. 4 pushes bitches. 4.

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

That’s it folks. TLC. The new female entertainment giant. Reality TV at it’s finest. You tug at our heartstrings and we will reward you with ratings.

Gotta run– Jon and Kate is on. I am ashamed…

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13 responses to “#11: TLC

  1. So I just discovered your blog yesterday via facebook and I have to say – hilarious! Keep up the good work.
    On the wonder that is TLC programming, I have a suggestion for your list: Toddlers and Tiaras. Have you seen it? It is completely and utterly horrifying/fascinating. Glitz pageant girls and their tailer trash backwoods parents. Fake tan, fake hair, fake teeth . . . on a four year old. You will not be able to pull yourself away from the television.

  2. shanleykristine

    Say Yes to the Dress is definitely the best on your list.

    What about the Duggar’s show, 18 Kids and Counting?….don’t you wonder how ONE mom gave birth to 18 kids. Thats not even possible.

    • I know! I’ve never actually watched that one– that family scares me. Scares me in the “we live on a compound in Utah” kind of way.

  3. I feel the need to support you here. I freakin’ love “what not to wear”. I have the DVR programed since the devastation following missing the Blossom episode that tipped off this season. I routinely torture my husband with this show and it is our Friday night ritual ( lame, I know). Maybe that’s why he works late…
    As for Kate, she’s a nurse. … Nurses are bitchy under stress and chaos. (hey, don’t tell my nurse friends that b/c we like to appear nice in public) She reminds me of myself and my friends when we have too much to do at work…I’m not saying she’s justified, Jon definitely needs to grow some nads b/c he crumbled under the pressure of being home all the time after leaving his job. What a wuss.

    Ok that’s all the time I have for this mindless chatter, I have to get back to whinny money grubbing backstabbing little children…you know “Say yes to the dress”.

  4. Griz—-

    I laughed so hard because I feel the EXACT same way about little people big world. scariest show ever. and I also wonder how on earth that woman gave birth to two normal sized kids?? And both of their parents’ are normal sized people? It is my biggest fear that I will be one of those people who just randomly have a child that is a little person. People call me cruel, but they terrify me…I can’t help it.

    This just gives me one more reason why I miss the shit out of you.

  5. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth. I’m not even sure how women watch these shows.

  6. Little people terrify me. Seriously.

  7. how can you not love the midget show? the older real sized kid is kinda cute for jail bait. i like it 🙂

  8. It does drive me crazy after a few sad hours…

  9. It used to be a great channel to fall asleep to, but now it’s become sadly a little too interesting

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