Better known as The Learning Channel.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this glorious channel– how is it living in a Third World Country? I mean– really? This shit is awesome. TLC single-handedly became the station that all women watch. Bye bye Lifetime.
Let’s just list some of the programs that TLC has to offer:
- Jon and Kate Plus 8
- Little People, Big World
- Say Yes to the Dress
- What Not to Wear
- Cake Boss
- A Baby Story
Dude. I watch all of these. Except for the one about the midgets. I have an irrational fear of little people. They terrify me. If someone sent a little person dressed as a clown to my house, I might freak out and kill the poor, tiny bastard. That’s how I roll. But, I digress…
Let me break down the shows and why each is awesome in it’s own way.
Jon and Kate Plus 8: He’s a total pussy. She’s a total pain in the ass. They have 8 kids. What is not awesome about this? We’ve watched the sad demise of their marriage through the tabloids recently, but for those of us that have watched this show for some time– we knew it was coming. I mean, are you faithful viewers shocked? If I even spoke to my husband with half of the attitude she gives Jon– I shudder at the thought. The kids even mirror her psychotic behavior now. They have no respect for their father. It’s almost comedic–in a sad way. That’s what you get for being pussified for 10 long years. And that hair cut. What the hell is that? It’s straight outta Bull-Dyke Magazine. Ladies– if you treat your hubby like this– you deserve what you get.
It was going to end 1 of 2 ways: Divorce, or Jon stabbing Kate to death in her sleep. I was hoping for the other one. Oh well.
2. Little People, Big World: See above.
I DO NOT watch this. But I do spend time wondering how the little person Mommy gave birth to 2 real-sized kids. That is amazing.
3. Say Yes to the Dress: Wedding dresses. Crazy
brides, bridesmaids, and mothers. What woman wouldn’t want to watch this? Being a consultant at Kleinfeld’s must be the most cush job in the world. Next to real-estate. You basically bullshit women into buying a $3,000 dress. It doesn’t matter what it looks like on them– if the bride likes it, the consultant agrees that it’s perfect. She could look like Mariah Carey in a Band-aid dress (Sausage rolls anyone?), but if the bride adores it– it is suddenly ‘The One.’ See how it’s like real-estate?
Easiest job in the world. Bull-shitters.
4. What Not to Wear: Makeover shows are a must-watch for women. We love feeling that we too can be beautiful. With $5,000, 2 personal stylists, a makeup artist, and a hair stylist– yep. We can do this. I watch it for the insults. I mean, sometimes it truly is beyond me how some women get to this point. And the makeover candidates actually ARGUE with Stacy and Clinton. Lady, you are in NYC for a makeover. Thousands of candidates were sifted through and sorted–you were chosen. What does that mean? You suck at clothes, hair, and well, being a woman. Don’t argue. Do what they say. Always.
When they emerge gorgeous at the end of the episode, and no one has said anything yet, Stacy always says ‘shut up!’
And I cry.
5. Cake Boss: Italian Stereotypes, New Jersey, Cake. Yep. That’s about it. Amazing.
6. A Baby Story: Don’t act like you’ve never seen it. Good God, when I was pregnant (both times), I watched it like a maniac. Women watch this show at any given time of the day. I think they should show the bad parts in Sex-Ed.
Let me tell you something– for some reason, the women they put on this show–ugh– why are they screamers in the delivery room? Grow a pair and push. Watching this show makes me feel like a badass. I own those women. 4 pushes bitches. 4.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
That’s it folks. TLC. The new female entertainment giant. Reality TV at it’s finest. You tug at our heartstrings and we will reward you with ratings.
Gotta run– Jon and Kate is on. I am ashamed…