#12: Reese Witherspoon

She is cute. She is perky. She speaks out the side of her mouth.

Man Jaw. Side Talker.

Man Jaw. Side Talker.

Reese Witherspoon is clearly the All-American girl. 2 gorgeous children, Normal upbringing, charmed life, cheating husband (bastard!), hot boyfriend– women adore her. Hey– She’s like us! Men take note: if Ms. Witherspoon has a movie coming out– you can bet your sweet ass that your woman will make you go and see it.

The basic formulas for Reese Witherspoon movies are as follows:

  • Sassy gal trying to find love, yet she bumbles through the entire process.
  • Southern gal trying to find love, yet she bumbles through the entire process.
  • Sorority gal trying to find love, yet she bumbles through the entire process.
  • Christian/Virginal gal trying to find love, yet she bumbles through the entire process.
  • Teenager trying to find love, yet she bumbles through the entire process and almost gets her family killed.
  • June Carter Cash.

As you can see, she totally has depth as an actress. She is a true trailblazer in the industry.

Wait…this chick won an Oscar? WTF Academy?

To put this complaint into perspective, Ms. Witherspoon was up against Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. If you haven’t seen that– watch it and get back to me.

It’s not that she wasn’t good in Walk the Line. It was a good movie. It had a good cast. It had a good story. It had good music. Good  really shouldn’t earn you an acting award. She was cute and sassy (see above) as June Carter Cash, but I’m not sure if cute and sassy merit an Oscar for Best Actress.

Were there tears? No, that was Johnny Cash. Did she lose a child? No– but Johnny lost his brother. Did she struggle with addiction? Nope, Johnny again. Was it heart-gripping in any way? Not really. Reese dyed her hair brown, spoke in her own twangy accent, threw some bottles at Joaquin Phoenix, and sang a few songs. Congratulations. Do Broadway.

I do remember something in the movie about her stealing another woman’s husband…but they were in love, so it’s okay.

Granted, this was the same year that self-righteous crap flick Crash won Best Picture instead of Brokeback Mountain. “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” won best song. Was 2006 an off year? Methinks so.

Come on ladies. She was in Fear. FEAR. That’s back when Marky Mark was Marky Mark. Alyssa Milano threatened to ravage a 10 year old boy in that movie. A dog’s head was cut off. The dude from CSI was the dad…CSI anyone?

Her movies are cute. Cute in a “I don’t really want to think right now, so pop in Sweet Home Alabama,” way. I’ve seen them. I do have a vagina.

Legally Blonde? Check. Sweet Home Alabama? Check. Legally Blonde 2? Check. Seen ’em. Liked ’em. But great films? Yeah– no. Yet every woman I know worships this girl. They act like her movies rank up there with Casablanca or Citizen Kane. If she’s in something, women line up. I just don’t get it. She’s a straight-to-video kind of actress for me. Maybe I can’t get past her man-jaw, or her weird delivery. I guess I’m just odd.

Great movie.

Great movie.

I do have to pause for a sec and grant her one prop on a film that kicks ass. Election. She WAS amazing in that. Her performance as Tracy Flick was some Oscar worthy shit. I wish she’d do more stuff like this film. But, I guess if a formula works for you and you are making money–keep on, keep on.

She must be friends with Sandra Bullock. Don’t even get me started on her.

Advertisements

7 responses to “#12: Reese Witherspoon

  1. Election is one of my top favorite movies. And it was definitely her best role. Every other movie she IS the same exact person!

  2. Legally Blonde? Check. Sweet Home Alabama? Check. Legally Blonde 2? Check. Seen ‘em. Liked ‘em. But great films? Yeah– no. Yet every woman I know worships this girl. They act like her movies rank up there with Casablanca or Citizen Kane. If she’s in something, women line up. I just don’t get it. She’s a straight-to-video kind of actress for me. Maybe I can’t get past her man-jaw, or her weird delivery. I guess I’m just odd.

    i like it

  3. Did you just threaten Broadway with her contrived formula? For shame. people really work on their craft ( allegedly) on Broadway. Although they did turn Legally Blonde into a musical…that was up for a Tony in 2008. Oh Hell, even Broadway let me down.

  4. can you imagine a movie with both of those actresses? Hollywood, are you listening?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s