#15: Self-Portraits

profileYou know who you are.

You–yeah you. The girl with the kissy-face and the peace sign. Yeah, you.

Don’t act stupid. I see you. You look stupid, but don’t act like you don’t know.

Women love to take pictures of themselves. Most women have taken said picture (yeah, the one mentioned above) at least once in their checkered pasts. You know the one. Camera phone, mirror, bathroom.

Why do we insist on taking pictures of ourselves? I mean, if there exists a group of females and a camera comes out, many of us run or shun the picture. Large groups deflect us. But, bust out a seedy club bathroom and some cocktails– here come the meticulously crafted poses and smiles.

I blame Myspace and Facebook. Don’t get me wrong– I am a Facebooker to the max. I’m actually embarrassed by it a little bit. But that option for a profile pic has ruined us. We all want to look elusive, sexy, witty, beautiful, mysterious, artsy– things we might not actually be. Our profile pics are almost like Monets– by viewing it from far way in that tiny picture box– we look awesome. But up close, we might be a big mess.

If you are fugly, there are definitely tricks to the trade. If you are trying to be cool– other methods exist. There are also those girls that simply put everything out there and don’t apologize for it. Until their Daddy sees their picture and wigs out. Look– I used to teach HS. It’s kind of awkward to see Melinda in class when you just saw Melinda’s undies in all of their glory on MySpace.

I have compiled a few of my favorite poses paired with examples (my sister has agreed to be my model/sacrificial lamb). There are some that I clearly hate more than others. You decide which ones you loathe– or have shamefully participated in.

I will not look at you. Ever.

I will not look at you. Ever.

#1: The Look Away

You hold up your camera phone. Perhaps at a side angle? No? Then how about at a lower angle, so that we are looking up at you? Check. Then, you ever-so-slightly look off to the right as if you could care less. You even purse your lips a little. Maybe open your mouth a bit… Got it. Perfection.

Darkwing Duck?

Darkwing Duck?

#2: Kissy-Face and Dueces:

This is a personal fav. Many times, you take this self-portrait with your bestie and a camera phone. But– you can rock it alone for sure.  Step 1: You stick your lips out like a love-sick duck. Step 2: Shoot us dueces. That’s kinda like saying ‘peace,’ but looking gangsta while doing it. Oh- Kissy-face usually means Slut.

Club Clothes? Check.

Club Clothes? Check.

#3: The Bathroom Scene

Camera phone, mirror, flash in the mirror and slutty club clothes do this picture make (Thanks Yoda). The point is– look as sexy as you can in the least sexy place one can think of. If you are really special, you might even catch someone behind you peeing.

#4: Artsy Photos:

"I don't wanna wait..."

"I don't wanna wait..."

You know the ones. Maybe they are in black and white. Perhaps it is of your silhouette. Maybe it’s just one of your eyes. The point is, you clearly want us all to know that you are hot-shit. God– you are cool. Can I be like you? I wonder what music you like to listen to or what movies you watch. I’m totally checking out your profile page now. You Bohemian!



#5: Girl on girl:

These are overtly sexual in nature fo’ sho’. You are either kissing your bestie, touching tongues, groping, biting, booty dancing, or making obscene gestures with your hands. Probably a bad idea to post if you have a real job. Everyone sees that shit. Seriously. Just ask–who was it– Ms. Nevada? She got fired for licking her friend’s boobie. Not sure if you want your boss/future boss to see that side of you…

I know there are more examples– if you have any, feel free to share.

I also just noticed that my profile pic for this site is both artsy and a look-away at the same time. Double-whammy.

I still haven’t found an answer regarding the ‘why’ we do this. I think ladies just want to look cool and be noticed. It’s no different than throwing on the $%#*–me heels and going to the club. It’s just safer.

No roofies.


11 responses to “#15: Self-Portraits

  1. I use the The Look Away, The Bathroom Scene and Artsy Photos lol you’re a genius 🙂

  2. Pictures that are WTF pictures are taken in the privacy of friends (some, not all), but then that picture gets posted by someone else and tags you then your stuck with this image on the internet you can’t get rid of, all you are left with is to untag the photo and hope no one saw it. or ask the person if they’ll take it down in hopes that they will. sometimes your SOL on WTF picture because it’s a joke between your close friends and you get backlash of it making it to internet. the wonderful advantages of the inter webs, *yay*

    • Totally. I have seen that and I have had that happen as well. i guess you have to be careful– don’t trust anyone with pics like that. I mean– look at what happened to Michael Phelps, you know?

      • Yep, agree with the Michael Phelps thing, sucks. Technology is evil yet so wondefully delightful because everything is at our finger tips, but you do have to be careful because your stuff can very quickly become accesable at the worlds finger tips and become their stuff.

  3. My favorite post so far. I’m thinking (let me pitch here, Karen): 30 entires, bathroom book, big, big seller. I think there’s a market for a read like this.

  4. i am glad that my pictures were helpful int his article haha. because i am a prime example of the self portrait. heck, who was the one who gave you the idea?? oh ya thats right–me.

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