#17: Musicals

jazz handsPut together some angst-filled love songs and add some jazz hands– you’ve got yourself a winner.

This has to be my husband’s least favorite inane thing that a woman inevitably loves. I think it may be the mandatory marching or the jazz hands. Perhaps the sappy songs? In any case, most men DO NOT love musicals. I say most, because gay men DO love musicals. It’s like a gene or something. Musicals are a part of their make-up. Some straight men also love musicals. We call these chaps Metrosexuals. You know who you are– and you are brilliant. A woman will totally give it up when you take her to see Wicked or Avenue Q, and then you  proceed to buy the soundtrack on I-Tunes. Bravo.

'Summer Lovin' had me a blast...'

'Summer Lovin' had me a blast...'

Women love a good musical. We may poo poo them to friends or significant others, but we secretly covet them. I have yet to meet a woman who does not love the movie Grease with all of her heart. Bitch– that be a musical.

Stage or screen, if you throw good looking boys and girls in front of us then add the magic of song and dance– you’ve got a moneymaker. I think women all secretly wish that we too could break out into spontaneous song when the mood hits us– and that our voices would sound as pleasant as Audra MacDonald’s or Sarah Brightman’s. Some would settle for Katie Holmes. The songs could be about anything. Love, hate, anger, worry, being pissed off at the pizza guy for getting your order wrong again… It would truly be an amazing world.

Unless we were all singing simultaneously. That would not be amazing. That would be loud.

The truth is,  any musical can rock a woman’s socks off. It doesn’t even have

I just don't get it.

Fake Musical. I do not get it.

to be good. Look at the horror that is the High School Musical series. What a  plateful of crap. Before you get all riled up, can you honestly look me in the eye and say that it ranks up there with Rent? Can you? That’s what I thought.

Disney is brilliant. Cute guys, cute girls (except for that Ashley Tisdale. Fugly (how did she get famous again?). Catchy tunes, no real plot, happy ending. Movie musical genius. Teenage girls  across the country crapped their pants over it. They threw a bunch of no-talent-ass-clowns at America and teens bought into it. All of it. The movies, the soundtracks, the dolls, the bookbags…sigh.

Real Musicals. REAL.

Real Musicals. REAL.

Back to the real musicals. You know, the ones that you go to The Big Apple to see. Men, you are smoking crack if you think you can take your lady to NYC and not see at least one musical production. Deal with it. You do have choice, and some of them aren’t too bad.

Secret: You can even judge a girl by what she drags you to see. If you are lucky enough to be dragged to Rent, Avenue Q or even The Lion King (Julie Taymor is a goddess), marry that girl. She has taste, class, and understands depth of story. She also spared you from shows that suck it. If your woman takes you to see Mamma Mia— consider breaking that relationship off. You thought the movie was bad? Try 3 hours of the live stage production. I wanted to kill myself. You will try.

I wish I could travel back in time and murder ABBA. Seriously. They better watch their backs.

This is really a simple concept. Women love music. women love dancing. Women love going out and feeling ‘cultured.’ Whether it’s a stage production or the Hollywood version, we will sit through it. Hollywood has this figured out.

Look at these examples:

  • Chicago
  • Evita
  • Rent
  • Sweeny Todd
  • Nine
  • Mamma Mia
  • Moulin Rouge

The list continues. Execs fill these movies with huge, serious actors who might not be able to sing at all (sorry Pierce Brosnan. You blow.) but they’ll bring in the fans–and the moolah. I mean, these movies made some serious cash. Some even garnered Oscar nods.

Take your lady to see a musical and it will end well for you. Just be choosy with what you pick. It’s a few hours of your life that you will never get back, but you’ll probably be rewarded for it.

I should know. I was a a drama geek. But I can rock out a musical number on cue– jazz hands and all.

I know you are jealous.

Thoughts, comments and concerns? Especially for the HSM fans?


12 responses to “#17: Musicals

  1. Well, I just found this page because I typed into Google “Why do women love musicals”. In turn I did that because I’ve just watched the first 15 minutes of “The Producers” on DVD, and I’m now trying to find a couple of serated knives to slash my wrists with. (Two as I’ll be relieved of the agony in half the time). You are spot on – it’s a total mystery to me why women enjoy, nay, even look happy watching a musical. Seriously, every straight guy I know HATES MUSICALS. I know only one straight man who likes musicals and his wife thought he was gay when she first met him (he’s not, but he does like being the pantomime dame).
    If you really want to p*ss off 99% of men, or loose a new boyfriend in super fast time, take them to a musical. He’ll never forgive you or think you’ve a brain cell between your ears again. We’d rather go shopping and lie to you that your bottom doesn’t look big in that, and yes it really suits you. Honestly, it’s less painful.

  2. You are totally wrong! I absolutely love musicals (as did my dad) and we are 100% NOT homosexual. I guess it is dangerous to make sweeping statements! Of course taste may differ. I think Mamma Mia was lewd rubbish. Les Miz is quite something else!

  3. this is amazing because i have watched both chicago and footloose this week. life is good.

    and i cannot lie, i do love high school musical. i even saw it at the fox. own the first and third. the second sucked, the first i have just because sometimes you need to go back to middle school. and the third is awesome. 20 bucks says you haven’t seen it. i’ll bring it to you. you will love it.

    but in real life- thank you for being a musical junkie- aren’t we all?

  4. legally blonde is a good choice. kyle should enjoy that one. and HSM blows ass.

  5. Corey Griswold

    I went to see Miss Saigon with my wife a few years back. I shouted “Get over it!” from the upper deck. She didn’t talk to me for a week but a bunch of random guys came up after the show and rocked some high fives.

  6. are there any other body parts that can get jazzy?

  7. So what you’re saying is, your gonna drag your husband to go see Fame when it comes out in the movies this year?

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