#18: Vampires


Totally sexy, right? I mean…who doesn’t want Brad Pitt to glamour your ass and then eat you right up? I can say that I would volunteer. I might die, but I’ll do it with the most amazing grin on my face. You hear that Angelina? Step off.

I must emphasize that women don’t necessarily enjoy the ‘death’ thing when it comes to vampires. We like the lust factor. Essentially, vampires are a metaphor for sex. And romance. Ok, ok–we get it– they’ll eat you. It won’t be pleasant. Yada, yada, yada. But damn, are they sexy. I mean, they bite. Right in the areas women like to be bitten in. You name it, they’ll bite you. Neck, thigh, wrist. I can continue– but it’ll get nasty.

Women relish these types of creatures. Vampires flatter you, wine and dine you, seduce you, and then sexualize you as they feast on your entire body. For hours. And hours. It’s like a wonderful dream that will never be realized in real life.  Perhaps women are looking for this experience on some level. Take note gentlemen.

I also end that thought with a ‘No shit, Sherlock.’

Below is a short list of vampire movies/TV/books that show off the ‘sexy’ factor. Not one of these movies/TV/books focuses on the gross vamp featured in shitty movies like 30 Days of Night. Not sexy. Gross. Women do not dig on those vampires. Ew.

1. Twilight

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

This one is a big No-Brainer. What female doesn’t want a gorgeous immortal to fall helplessly in love with you and save your life every other day? These books actually make abstinence appear to be cool. I say that with absolutely no sarcasm. Really. Seriously.

His skin is shiny. Like diamonds. He is ridiculously beautiful. He can drive really fast without killing you. He can run like an Olympian on steroids and read your mind. A man that can read minds ladies– this is what we’ve been waiting for for centuries! Edward is the ultimate man. Except that he isn’t a man. He is a vampire that doesn’t eat people. He eats animals. But–He will eat you if he slips up. That could be a big negative. Women do like to live. Also, you might need to watch your pets pretty carefully.

2. True  Blood

Like most women, I am a bit ashamed to have become a fan of this one. It is cheesy. Anna Paquin’s southern accent  is probably one of the worst ones I have ever heard in my life. And most of the actors need serious coaching. But the sex saves it. Correction– the sexy Vampires save it.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

First we have Stephen Moyer. Now, Bill (his character) may not be the hottest man on the planet, but he is head over heels in love with the human Sookie (Anna-man chin-Paquin). That, in itself, is sexy. Everyday, he is having an internal fight to avoid the killing of a human being. He hates what he is and attempts to redeem himself through her. If there is one thing that a woman loves, it’s being a man’s saving grace. “I can save him” or “I can fix him” are our favorite phrases. It’s a Pavlovian response. Ring that bell and we come a ‘runnin’.

He also saves her life all of the time. That gives women the dreamy-eyed look.

He totally wants me.

He totally wants me.

Then there is Eric, the Swede Vampire. I love him. Seriously– I will run away with him if he asks me to. This is the bad-boy vamp. The one that will love you and then drop you like a bad habit. Drop you in the ‘he will eat you’ kind of way. Nevertheless, he is delicious. Seriously. His character doesn’t give a flying crap what anyone really thinks and he lusts after Sookie too. I am still trying to figure that fact out–it must be the man-chin. Either way, I find her icky.

Eric, or whatever your real name is– if you are reading this, give me a call and we’ll chat. Smooches.

3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

David Boreanaz? A forbidden romance? Witty dialogue? David Boreanaz?

This is all I need to have happy Television.



4. Underworld This one is more of a man-flick, but as a lady I can honestly say that I enjoy it. Who doesn’t want to see Kate Beckingsdale in vinyl? She is my female crush. She is H-O-T. No one can dispute this fact.

In this movie (I can’t say film here. It does not qualify), vampires are depicted as an elite upper class. They are all beautiful, all sexy, all rich, and all ruthless. Throw in some Kate Beckingsdale and Scott Speedman fighting Werewolves and you’ve got yourself some entertainment. Pretty people a vampire movie do make.

Me likey. Where do I sign up?

5. Interview with the Vampire

Yep. She's about to die.

Yep. She's about to die.

I’ve never found Tom Cruise attractive. Never. He’s a little elf man who can act. But, it was in this movie that I was in awe of his sexuality. As Lestat, he smoldered. He would woo women, kiss them, nibble at them, and then suck them dry. Dirty, sexy, evil and ruthless. Women love that. He had no remorse. He was just Lestat.

And then there is Brad Pitt. Correction– a brooding, sad Brad Pitt. What

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

woman doesn’t love that? He has puppy dog eyes the entire movie. Like Bill in True Blood, Louis (Pitt) hates what he has become and hates Lestat for it. He tries to resist the urge to feed, but he can’t. He is lonely, self-loathing and gorgeous. You add the ambiance of early 1800s New Orleans decadence and the movie basically floats along dreamily.

This is a film.

Women love romance. Women love sex. Women love the bad-boy. Therefore, women love vampires. It’s pretty simple.

So which vamp is most do-able? Discuss.


12 responses to “#18: Vampires

  1. Eric & Edward… opposite but both sexy

  2. I agree with Karen, I fell in love with Angel, but I’m not going to lie… I would do terrible, heartless, dirty, and immoral things in order to sleep with Robert Pattinson. Heck, I would do them just to be able to say “Hi” to him and not faint. This was a good one- it gave me my vagina back.

  3. I just have to say this – I think 30 Days of Night was awesome. Also there’s a new vampire movie coming out starring Ethan Hawke – Daybreakers – I bet you add it to your list by just watching the trailer, haha.

    • Probably on the E.H. movie. Being that you have a penis, I would guess that you heart 30 Days… I however, was un-enthused. Probably b/c of Josh Hartnett. He sucks.

  4. i would have to say that out of all those i think edward is most do-able. i mean think about it. he doesnt eat humans, so you are more likely to live longer. I mean sure you can’t have sex, but you have man that will be there for entire time and you could be come a vampire too and be beautiful forever. i mean i want to be beauitful forever that’d be awesome. not to mention he’s rich. i know i sound like a gold-digger, but he could buy you absolutely everything you wanted so thats just a trade-off.

    • Yeah– I am on Team-Angel. even though you can’t sleep with him or he’ll turn into a mean vampire. I mean– David Boreanaz? Sigh… Love how you broke fown your reasoning. Nerd.

  5. Yeah, I definitely don’t get this sh*t. This is surely one for the babes.

    • It confuses me as well. I don’t understand my own DNA! But I roll with it.

      • Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a buddy who was into vampires or vampire films. I don’t think Buffy counts; SMG is hot.

        To be honest, I never really thought of vampire movies/TV/entertainment tailoring to the female audience, but nail meet head. Well done.

      • Thanks, man. Kyle and I had one of those moments discussing this last night– I can’t say I came to the realization alone…

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