#21: Halloween

HalloweenHalloween itself is not inane.

Halloween is not just something that ladies love.

Who doesn’t adore Halloween (excluding the weirdo super-Christians that don’t celebrate anything fun)? Kids love Halloween. Men love Halloween. Women love Halloween. Old people love Halloween–unless their house is getting egged. Okay, dogs probably hate it– but we pretend they love it when we are dressing them up like ninjas or Superman.

Halloween is a special holiday for women. Halloween truly stands out for us because it is the one day of the year that women can dress up like tramps, sluts, hookers and any other whorish persona we wish to emulate. We can all come together, united in our Ho costumes for one glorious night.

The key: This one beautiful night of the year, no one will judge us.

We’ve all done it. There are just so many choices out there. They have entire websites devoted to sexy costuming for Halloween. Whole categories are filled with anything that one could imagine. I remember a Sexy Rainbow Bright costume that I saw once. Damn– I wanted that thing. You name a character from your childhood and I can guarantee that some company has sexified it in the name of Halloween. Thank you Corporate America.

I still recall going to a tapas bar downtown a few years ago on Halloween. I swear to God, some chicks rolled in dressed as Victoria’s Secret Angels. Literally. Bras, panties, wings, heels. That was it. They could handle it too. They looked spectacular. Can you imagine this happening on any other night? Maybe at the Pink Pony. But on Halloween– everyone looked at them and then moved on. It was just normal. Those girls must have felt like rock stars.

There are, of course, the typical trampy Halloween costumes that girls tend to gravitate toward. These are not original. These are not creative. These are not that cool. Still– these styles prevail. (Disclaimer– there are many more than the 3 that I list. I hate these 3 the most)

Sooo original.

Sooo original.

1. The French Maid –

What the Hell is with the French Maid costume? I understand that one can find it anywhere. I understand that it shows your boobs. I get that it is short enough to warrant a pair of pants. Perhaps that’s all there is to it. I still think there are plenty of trashy costumes that don’t involve a feather duster. Still, this is the costume of costumes. Go out on Halloween. You will see several women packed into a tiny black dress adorned with a a white apron.

Even women that shouldn’t have purchased it. You know who you are.

Officer Boobies.

Officer Boobies.

2. Sexy Authority Figure –

This comes in many forms. Firefighter, prison guard, etc. The most popular tends to appear in the form of Sexy Police Officer. You know– Aviators. Jaunty hat. Shirt that has been made into a very short dress with a belt and heels. Cuffs. A badge was probably included in the cheap packaging. It says something like Officer Boobies. Very original.

3. Sexy School Girl –

Hit me baby.

Hit me baby.

I’ve been over this one. See my Role Playing post. EVERY girl has done this costume at least once. It’s probably popular because you can do it yourself. It’s also popular because men are pervs and every man digs this ‘durty’ virginal look. All you need: pigtails, white button up, cardigan, short plaid skirt, thigh highs and naughty heels. Voila! Think Britney Spears at 15. There you go.

Those costumes make me want to fight a bitch. I”m going to be honest. They kind of piss me off. If I see a girl in one of these I will judge her as boring and not that bright. Try some originality! Be interesting and sexy at the same time. I’ll give it a go. Perhaps I will inspire someone.

Who's the Star Stealer now?

Who's the Star Stealer now?

1. Sexy Childhood Character –

I’ve already mentioned the Sexy Rainbow Bright. The only change that you need to make to the costume is a pair of rainbow thigh highs and some naughty bloomers under your short dress. What’s at the end of your rainbow?

I would go with a hot She-Ra costume. You know– She-Ra. The Princess of Power? Roll in with your thigh high stiletto boots, short white dress and a sword. Attached? Have no fear my little lady. Your man can come as He-man. Get him a shirt with abs painted on. He can have a sword too. That’ll make him happy.

It’ll also start conversation and you can kick the French Maid’s ass.



2. Fan-Boy Costumes –

What is this? Dude. The gold mine. Think Comic Con. These are the costumes that men will respect AND get hot for. You will be a goddess in one of these. My personal favorite? The Princess Leia Slave Girl outfit. Metal bra. High-cut-scarf-skirt-thingy. Thong. Long, braided ponytail. Ladies– you must be honest here. If you don’t rock a six pack, give it up. You could go with another option like Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Brothers or Xena, Warrior Princess. Hell, be a Bond girl. That’ll get any man hot.

If you can handle Leia, men will admire you for being down with Star Wars and for being sexy while doing it.

3. Sexy Historical Women

Let them eat...what?

Let them eat...what?

I know. It sounds dry and boring. It doesn’t have to be. Come on! Think about it. You could be Catherine the Great. Wear a corset, wear a wig, wear thigh highs, wear a horse. It could be funny and hot at the same time. What about one of the Boleyn girls? Have I said corset yet? Push those boobies up. Shorten the hem line (significantly) and look smart while doing it. Lady Godiva? Marie Antoinette? Jackie Kennedy? That pink suit is snazzy…

There are so many choices here, I would have a hard time starting. The key is to add sexy touches. Note: Know something about the person you are dressing up as. That would probably be wise. It may suck if someone asks you why you dressed as Marie Antoinette and you mentioned something about Mother Russia. Wrong country punk.

There it is.

Perhaps you have gathered some ideas. Perhaps you are like, “eff it– I love the french maid outfit! I do what I want!” Just remember ladies– we are a sisterhood on Halloween. I may not like your costume, but you have the right to be sexy on All Hallows Eve. Slut it up. Work it girl.