You know you do it.
You swear you’re not going to the second you get into the checkout line. Yet, they stare back at you, mocking your resolve. Dozens of shiny covers, filled with gossipy goodness. You fold. You grab that In Touch Magazine, throw it on top of your groceries, pay and then bolt. You can’t wait to read that juicy article on the Brangelina-Jenn Aniston love triangle. You’re clearly on team-Jolie.
Wait– that’s me. Go Angie.
The Gossip Rag. The British may have invented it–but it took some good All-American know how to get it really going.
What is a Gossip Rag you ask? Why, it is the epitome of professional journalism, my friend. They are glossy magazines filled with the latest, juiciest and craziest stories about the most important people on the planet– celebrities.
And women are totally obsessed with them– the magazines AND the celebrities.
Go ahead. Go to a woman’s house. Any woman. I defy you to try and prove that this woman has no celeb magazines in her home. Check the magazine rack. Check the coffee table. The end tables. Check everywhere. Lastly– check the Bathroom. That’s usually where the celeb gossip gold is. If she hasn’t bought a Rag in awhile, she sure as shit has borrowed one from a friend at some point. If you can’t find one anywhere in the house, then she is clearly ashamed and hiding them, or she has a social disorder. Either way, somethings up. She might be crazy.
Get out of there. Quickly.
Why is it that women buy this crap? Why do we care if Heidi Montag-Pratt posed in Playboy and found Jesus all in the same day? Why do we care if JLo dropped the baby weight? Why in the hell do we care about Jenn Aniston and her obvious dating/commitment issues? Why do we want to see stars without their makeup?
Dude– it’s really simple. If the stars are that screwed up, then we can all feel better about our little and insignificant lives.
(We are insignificant. They are Gods. Why can’t you understand this?)
All of the stars are clearly basket cases. At least, all of the ones that reside between the pages of these awesome excuses for magazines. If you are a celebrity and you are not in there, you might be dead in Hollywood. Your days are numbered. Quick! Go to a club, get smashed and hang out with Lindsay Lohan. Maybe you can drive on the wrong side of the road and get pulled over. Hit Lindsay in the face while your being arrested. There you go. You’re back on track kiddo. Say hello to a mediocre film about aliens.
Now, the Gossip Rags are not just in magazine form. Of course not! We live in a media-celeb-frenzied society. We have TV versions of gossip and the internet. Sweet, sweet internet. Now, I can check up on the latest gossip right at work, whenever I feel like it. That way, I won’t have a meltdown when I want to check in on my best friend…err, I mean…favorite celebrity. I need pictures of Katie Holmes right now! I want to know how big Suri is! I’ll check TMZ. com.
Ahhhh, crisis averted.
TV is just as good. With shows like Entertainment Tonight (the touchstone of
celeb reporting), E!, and Access Hollywood, I can be plugged into my favorite gossip 24-7. It’s a beautiful thing.
Look, it’s only natural that women love to gossip. It’s in our genetic makeup or something. As a woman, I love to gossip about people that I deem cooler than me or people that clearly love themselves. The whole Judgment thing again applies here. If we can collectively gossip about celebrities and how they are ‘so weird’ or ‘so bitchy,’ women are going to relish in that act.
The favorite celeb/gossip magazines are as follows:
- In Touch — This one is cheap. Women love cheap. $1.99 baby.
- Life & Style — Again, cheap. They have a style section too. Fun.
- People — The Entertainment Tonight of Gossip Rags. Touchstone baby.
- Us Weekly — They love relationship drama. And Speidi. Gross.
- Star — This one used to be tabloid-esque. Still is, but now more reliable after they broke the John Edwards story. Journalism gold here!
I have bought/borrowed/read while checking out each of these. Therefore, I am probably supporting several reality TV celebutants–but who cares really? I know the truth about these people and it’s not always pretty. Based on my research (as I check out) I have concluded the following:
- Jon and Kate hate their kids
- Jenn Aniston will die a shrew
- Lindsay Lohan will die before the age of 30
- Teen actors are going to destroy us all
- Brad and Angie are actually living saints
- Matthew McConaughey loves weed and exercising shirtless
Let’s check back on my assumptions over the course of this blog and see what turns out to be true. I’m going with 100%.
Trust me. I am an expert.