#24: Romance Novels

romance novelsIt is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Naughty, naughty dreams.

The Romance Novel. The twin sister of male-oriented porn. The answer to quick sex for no reason. The book covers that made douchebags like Fabio famous.

What is it about erotic fiction that gets a woman’s libido jumping? Why do we insist on reading this ridiculous crap? Look– women are sexual. We fantasize. We get naughty–just like men. But, we work differently. Honestly? Most of your basic run-of-the-mill porn just doesn’t do it for us. It’s too wham, bam, thank you ma’am. It’s ugly, it’s unrealistic and it’s kinda gross.

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Women need a story. Albiet, it’s often a cheesy story– but we need characters and settings. Reasons for the actual sex. If the pizza guy shows up and the girl ordering the pizza decides to have sex with him, we want to know why. Do they know each other? Is that how’s she’s paying him for the pizza? Let’s be honest–the pizza guy is seldom ever hot. He’s usually gross and hairy, his only attribute being the size of his ‘throbbing manhood.’ Ew.

Enter the Romance Novel.

Erotic fiction is particularly attractive to the average female because it gives us the ability to imagine it all. Most women don’t want to actually see the sex on the screen (probably because it’s ugly). They like to imagine it in their minds. That way, everyone is attractive. You can picture the settings. You can picture the sex as you see it and– it’s usually much hotter than the three-way porn video your man is into. (FYI: Let the three-way go fellas. If she wants to do it, she will. Otherwise, let it go.)

It’s not like the Romance Novel should win any awards for writing. It is what it is. Frankly, when paired with essential toys, it is the masturbatory tool for womankind. There. I said it. Are some people getting hot over this? Moving on…

This genre doesn’t necessarily come only in book form either. Magazines like Playboy market erotic fiction. The internet has massive sites dedicated to this type of writing as well. Some people are really talented at this. Seriously.

So, what kind of fiction gets the ladies going? What works for them? You men are probably wondering this, right? Below are some simple examples of things that get us going.

Will they ever be?

Will they ever be?

1. Forbidden Love–

Oh yeah. He wants her, but he can never have her. There is some sort of barrier that prevents them from consumating their relationship. Perhaps he is married to another. Maybe she is a nun. Is she too young? Does he have a dark past? Hell– as long as they have hot, passionate sex by the end of the story– we are satisfied. That hot sex better happen on a dark and stormy night, in a remote location like a quaint little barn– and they will make declarations of love. Sigh…

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

2. Angry Sex–

My personal favorite. The two characters in question have a fight. A serious fight. There is yelling and harsh words are used. Feelings are hurt. Maybe one of the characters is shattered over this. She cries. They could be best friends. Maybe they hate each other. In the end, he is going to push her up against the wall and eff her brains out. Passionate, animalistic, HOT. In the end, he always takes her. His way.

They are soooo gonna do it.

They are soooo gonna do it.

3. Fanfiction–

These tend to be the online versions. They involve shows like Bones, The XFiles and CSI. Characters that have tons of sexual tension, but never resolve it on the small screen. But, on the internet, anything is possible my friend! If you want to see Mulder and Scully or Bones and Booth have smoldering sex, find one of these sites. It’s all here.

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

4. The Slow Seduction–

This can go wither way. The woman can slowly seduce the man, or vice versa. Women usually prefer the man doing the seducing. Perhaps he’s the lawn boy and she is a rich heiress on a massive estate. He does little things for her like planting her favorite flowers, smiling at her as she passes by and telling her she is beautiful. He may only be the lawn boy, but the slow seduction is killing her. She wants him and she will have him. Or, does he have her? Who cares. Let’s get to it!

It’s all about imagination people. Women thrive off of this. You want to know how to get us hot and bothered? Create one of these scenarios. Role play one out. Read up. It’s not that we won’t watch porn with you. If asked, we will. But, when we are alone, it’s much more interesting to use our minds to get us going. Romance Novels do it for us.

How can I spell this out any better than I already have? Go forth, and get some!


6 responses to “#24: Romance Novels

  1. Haha, as a public librarian, we often get very amused at the cover/titles of the romance novels…they are hysterical! Also, we like how a millionaire is no longer enough…he’s got to be a billionaire! 🙂

  2. This was a fun read, Karen. Enjoyed it.

  3. I love Bones. I was so mad when their “sex scene” last season was a dream. Come on – that’s been done before.

  4. interesting to see the other perspective

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