#30: Ice Skating

I discovered The Cutting Edge when I was about 12.

I was watching the end. You know the part. They are at the Olympics, they do that crazy trick-thingy and he finally tells her that he loves her. My mother found me lying on the floor, crying. I told her that I wanted someone to ice skate with me and tell me that he loves me. She clearly thought that I had an imbalance.

Thus my love for ice skating was born.

Women adore this winter sport. It’s probably the only one that gets any ratings during the dismal Winter Olympics. I mean, what’s not to love? Ice, Bach playing to the rooftops, sparkly costumes–it’s a woman’s (and a gay man’s) wet dream. I would rank this on an entertainment scale, right next to Queer Eye for The Straight Guy and the Miss America Pageant. It’s a guilty pleasure of sorts. Still, it’s one of those pleasures we are not embarrassed to be fond of and it is certainly something that we will ALWAYS make our partners watch with us. You do know that your man hates this shit, right? He’s only watching it with you because he’s hoping to get lucky. Really.

If you are a straight man and you do enjoy ice skating, for the love of humanity– don’t tell anyone. Even if you were in musical theatre and dance class in High School, that does not excuse this behavior. Stop now. (Oh, and the part about your attachment to theatre and dance? Better leave that out of your argument. Not helping your case.)

I digress.

What I have always loved about ice skating usually didn’t involve the sport itself. It was the drama behind the scenes. Specifically the drama of 1994.

Nancy Kerrigan anyone? Tonya Harding? Oksana Baiul? Let me just school you on all three of these ‘situations’ in a nutshell.

Nancy Kerrigan was the All-American girl. Pretty, cuddly and a damn good skater to boot. Her nemesis? That other skater. The butch chick. The ugly one. Tonya Harding. She was also a pretty good skater–but not as good as the pretty one. The Winter Olympics of 1994 were coming up. People said Nancy had a great chance of winning it all. So, what did Tonya do? She hired her ex-husband to hit Nancy’s knee with a steel pipe. The result? Amazing TV gold.

YouTube Excellence.

Don’t you remember? “Why me? Why anybody?” It was awesome. To be quick, Kerrigan recovered and won the Silver Medal. Harding was banned from U.S. Figure Skating for life, released a sex tape, then she became a scary butchesque-boxer. Awesome.

*On a side note, I never liked Nancy Kerrigan. If Harding hadn’t put a hit on her, somebody would have. She gives me the creeps.*

What about Ms. Oksana Baiul?

She kicked Kerrigan’s ass in the Olympics and won the Gold. She decided to celebrate a few years later by inhaling about SIX Long Island Iced Teas and driving her car off of the road. I don’t know about you, but that chick can drink. 95 pounds and six of those drinks? What a champ.

Don’t you get it? Ice skating is the bomb. What girl hasn’t imagined putting on a sequined leotard and prancing around to a classical rendition of Living on a Prayer? What red-blooded, competetive lady hasn’t dreamed of clocking her nemesis with a club, a pipe or, well, something hard?

My shoelace came untied. And my costume is amazing.

When your guy says something like “Ice Skating is so lame,” kindly remind him that you would “never mess with an ice-skater because those bitches are crazy.” When he asks you about the male skaters, just give in and agree with him.

Why? Because men skating on the ice to classical renditions of Living on a Prayer in sparkly costumes… Well, that’s just gay.

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5 responses to “#30: Ice Skating

  1. Hitting one’s arch rival with a steel pipe is so 1994.

  2. Welcome Back Ms Inane! I thought your silence meant, perhaps, that you had run out of inane things. But happily not.

    For the record
    1) I am a straight man and I like to watch figure skating — particularly pairs. It’s a wonderful combination of music, athletics, ballet and artistry. I also have a Tivo season pass to “So you think you can dance” …
    2) Last week, Nancy Kerrigan’s brother was arrested and charged with the murder of their father. Seriously. http://starcasm.net/archives/33145
    Ice is dangerous. Maybe this is why hockey dads should be banned from the arenas…

  3. I didn’t know about the Long Islands and the accident. There’s more beatings, guns, and debauchery in female figure skating than pro football.

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