Category Archives: Actions

#33: Sex Parties

No, not the orgy kind. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I’m talking about several girls, coming together to discuss, view and buy sex toys (and other various objects of interest). Still kinky, but not in the way you were hoping.

You Pervert.

Most commonly known as the Pure Romance parties, the whole idea is to get together, get ridiculously drunk and then talk about sex. Openly. Without inhibition. Believe it or not, it can be quite refershing to know that your best friend’s mom is just as interested in that cute little vibrator as you are. Weird, but refreshing. Why, you ask? It’s actually a pretty simple concept.

When women are growing up and developing their, well, lady parts– there is this whole idea that we are supposed to be pure, innocent– For lack of a better term– virgins— until we get married. It’s all we hear. It’s psychologically deafening. During puberty, if a girl is remotely interested in the big ‘S,’ her parents might have a coronary in front of her– simultaneously. Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be pretty. We were discouraged from discovering things about our bodies that we actually had the right to know. Ever wonder why most women don’t orgasm during the deed? Yeah– blame society. While it is a-ok for a male to strut about and get his jollies off as soon as he discovers a wayward boner, girls are not so lucky. It sometimes takes us years to undo that damage.

Enter the Pure Romance idea.

Pure genius.

Imagine your mom doing this. Hysterical.

This company actually figured out how to capitalize on our repressed sexuality. It’s a great formula: Place 15 of your closest friends in a room. Add alcohol. Add vibrators, lotions, costumes and any other items you see fit- and you have one hell a party. Even better: men can’t come. At all. (Pardon the pun) That way, we can be completely open about what we like and want. I went to one a few weeks ago. I was astonished. Sometimes I am under the assumption that I am a sexual freak. I mean–crazy stuff. But after watching women inspect vibrators as closely as they would inspect a new car– and actually discuss the merits of one over the other– it was women’s lib all over again. I wasn’t the only freak in the room. In fact, my friend’s mom might be a bigger freak than me. While disturbed at this discovery, I was still impressed at that party’s ability to get women talking. We were actually talking about what works and what doesn’t work for us. We discussed why this vibrator would work and that one wouldn’t. We joked about lotions and costumes. We considered weird items like rotating vibrators and c$#@ rings. Most importantly, we didn’t feel like complete skanks for doing so. It was awesome.

If only we had that freedom as we were developing– no man would ever resist us after all those extra years of practice!

Can you imagine something similar for men? It would be hysterical. Picture this: beer, TV and a traveling porn salesmen. I mean, why have a group or men over when you can just have a date with the computer? (That and actually watching porn in a big man-group is a creepy.)

I actually think that women are more open about their sexuality than men are in general. Maybe we are just getting it out of our system, but the things I tell my girlfriends regarding my sex life would make any man blush.

I bet you want to know what I bought, don’t you? I will say this: I spent $68 dollars and it was well worth it. Ask my husband. He’ll basically tell you to let your lady go to the sex party. She’s buying it for you anyway.

Cheers.

#31: Crafts

I know what you’re thinking guys.

Not my lady. That’s the kind of lame and inane shit my mother is into. My lady would never stoop to loving crafts.

Let me ask you this question then: Has your girl ever scrapbooked? Last winter, did she take up knitting? Did she crochet you some sort of silly hat? Has she ever decoupaged a picture frame of the two of you– with jewels or hearts or glitter? Well, that bitch went to Michaels. I rest my case.

The Gateway to Hell. It's just a few steps more to Kirklands.

We are all guilty of a secret or not-so-secret love of crafts. I was a scrapbooking ninja in High School. I have even considered taking it up again now that I have kids. It’s the realization that I would have to walk into those stores to get what I needed– the thought makes me shudder. You know the ones. Rows and rows of fake flowers. Glitter. A framing section. The smell of potpourri lingering in the air. My husband calls these stores the Gateways to Hell. I call them Michaels, Homegoods, Joanne Fabrics or Hobby Lobby.

These stores are filled with women looking to get ‘crafty.’ See? Craft even has a verb use. These women come in many shapes, sizes, backgrounds and age groups. The older ones scare me. They’ll cut you to get to that polyester flower print fabric. They can be pretty spry when it comes to fabric. Just try and grab it. C-U-T you.

Even if you are one of the few females that hate these stores–as well as the lonely souls that wander them–all ladies can all agree that craft fairs/festivals are awesome.

I mean, who doesn’t want to wander a large suburban park area on a hot afternoon, busily searching for wicker chairs whilst downing a funnel cake? Not only are there rows and rows of craft booths for miles, but we are also treated to music, food and dance. Clogging anyone? I’m there. Don’t those little girls look precious? Forget the fact that they are totally out of sync. Those skirts get me every time! Darling. Plus, I can shop for things like pine cone bird feeders, a sign that says ‘Santa Stop Here!’ or even handmade PJs. These things are amazing. I think my husband likes them too. If I am honest with myself, I know he’s there for the food.

Cotton candy anyone? BBQ?

So, what counts as a Craft? A litany of things, my friend.

  1. Scrapbooking. I’m sorry, but it qualifies. You use scissors, glue and stickers. That’s right, I said it.
  2. Making Soap. Don’t fool yourself Hippie. While you are trying to save the world by creating biodegradable soap, you were being crafty.
  3. Knitting or Crochet. Yes it’s a hobby. A sad, lonely hobby. Let me ask you something. Do you participate in these activities with other people? Really? That’s what I thought. Sad and lonely. (I do love my scarves though, mom.)
  4. Cross-stitching or any other needle and thread activity. My mother tried to get me into this when I was younger. Ugh.
  5. Food related gifts. Yes, thank you for the complete cookie mix in a jar. It was awesome. What? Oh yeah, and the salsa too. What’s that? Did I use them? Totally. (As I am digging through my pantry, searching for them.)

    Food of The Crafting Gods. Friend of Man.

  6. Ceramics, woodcarving, etc. The producers of Ghost called. They want to remind you that you are NOT Demi Moore.

There are certainly others. I am open to suggestions and comments.

So, when your lady asks if you want to go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, understand that while she may deny it, she is totally in to the crafts. Just agree to go.

There will be a funnel cake in it for you.

#29: Wine

wine drinkerLet me be clear right off of the bat:

Do I love wine? Yes. Does it get me schnockered? Yep. Do I know a lot about wine? Nope. Do I care? Hell no.

I just like that I look classy while drinking it.

It’s the perfect drink.

This has been the trend in recent years. More and more women who love to drink but are just tired of cheap beer or crappy Jamaican rum that tastes like a tube of Banana Boat sunscreen exploded into your rocks glass. Ick.

Yes, liquor is quicker. It is also more expensive. It can also make you look trashy. Ladies– we do not want to appear trashy. Hide that aspect of your personality at all costs. (One also must note that the beer/liquor combo can be a devastating one if not handled properly. What was it again? Beer before liquor….)How many ladies have you seen flash the bar after a few too many Chardonnays? Now go back and count the numerous instances in which the bar was flashed after Tequilla shots?

Case closed.

Look, we’ve all seen the more, well, mature ladies get frisky after the vino. My point rests with the younger crowd. That crowd is attempting to appear more mature without actually achieving that goal.

Setting all of this aside, any woman with a wine glass in hand looks cool as shit. Red or white she looks like she knows what she is doing. Hell, it could be Franzia, but if she’s owning it…well, you go girl. It’s an image thing. A lady drinking wine looks like she knows what she wants. She looks smarter. She looks successful. She looks desirable.

She looks sexy.

When I drink wine I feel inherently sexy. The way I hold the glass, the way I sip the wine, the smell of the wine…I could be rocking a sweatsuit covered in baby spit up but in my mind, I look (and smell) like Heidi Klum.

While I can’t speak for the men out there, to me, a woman slowly nursing a glass of Pinot Noir looks much sexier than that idiot in the tube top downstairs shooting Jager. She might be able to hang, she might be easy– but can she spell Jager? Ask her to try. It would be awesome. To top that off, tell her that her tube top is on backward. It’ll go on for about 20 minutes and you may see some boobies.

Wine drinking ladies are also looking for the wine drinking men. It’s the key to sexual success. Not only does wine get you ridiculously hammered, it can also result in a classy man getting lucky with a classy lady. If you are drinking wine, you are classy. If you are drinking beer, you are living on borrowed time. Keep that in mind.

classy lady

Wow. She's so classy. I want to be classy too!

For the wine virgins out there, stick with easy wines so you don’t take a sip of Cabernet and choke on it like a total retard.

Note: If I so much as catch your ass drinking some shit like White Merlot, or White Zinfandel– you are dead to me. I may not know a lot about wine but I do know you can’t be trusted.

Put down the glass. Refill with Pinot. Strike a pose. Rehearse why you are drinking that wine. Sniff wine, swirl wine, drink wine.

It’s on.

You stay classy lady wine drinkers.

#18: Vampires

vampireVampires.

Totally sexy, right? I mean…who doesn’t want Brad Pitt to glamour your ass and then eat you right up? I can say that I would volunteer. I might die, but I’ll do it with the most amazing grin on my face. You hear that Angelina? Step off.

I must emphasize that women don’t necessarily enjoy the ‘death’ thing when it comes to vampires. We like the lust factor. Essentially, vampires are a metaphor for sex. And romance. Ok, ok–we get it– they’ll eat you. It won’t be pleasant. Yada, yada, yada. But damn, are they sexy. I mean, they bite. Right in the areas women like to be bitten in. You name it, they’ll bite you. Neck, thigh, wrist. I can continue– but it’ll get nasty.

Women relish these types of creatures. Vampires flatter you, wine and dine you, seduce you, and then sexualize you as they feast on your entire body. For hours. And hours. It’s like a wonderful dream that will never be realized in real life.  Perhaps women are looking for this experience on some level. Take note gentlemen.

I also end that thought with a ‘No shit, Sherlock.’

Below is a short list of vampire movies/TV/books that show off the ‘sexy’ factor. Not one of these movies/TV/books focuses on the gross vamp featured in shitty movies like 30 Days of Night. Not sexy. Gross. Women do not dig on those vampires. Ew.

1. Twilight

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

This one is a big No-Brainer. What female doesn’t want a gorgeous immortal to fall helplessly in love with you and save your life every other day? These books actually make abstinence appear to be cool. I say that with absolutely no sarcasm. Really. Seriously.

His skin is shiny. Like diamonds. He is ridiculously beautiful. He can drive really fast without killing you. He can run like an Olympian on steroids and read your mind. A man that can read minds ladies– this is what we’ve been waiting for for centuries! Edward is the ultimate man. Except that he isn’t a man. He is a vampire that doesn’t eat people. He eats animals. But–He will eat you if he slips up. That could be a big negative. Women do like to live. Also, you might need to watch your pets pretty carefully.

2. True  Blood

Like most women, I am a bit ashamed to have become a fan of this one. It is cheesy. Anna Paquin’s southern accent  is probably one of the worst ones I have ever heard in my life. And most of the actors need serious coaching. But the sex saves it. Correction– the sexy Vampires save it.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

First we have Stephen Moyer. Now, Bill (his character) may not be the hottest man on the planet, but he is head over heels in love with the human Sookie (Anna-man chin-Paquin). That, in itself, is sexy. Everyday, he is having an internal fight to avoid the killing of a human being. He hates what he is and attempts to redeem himself through her. If there is one thing that a woman loves, it’s being a man’s saving grace. “I can save him” or “I can fix him” are our favorite phrases. It’s a Pavlovian response. Ring that bell and we come a ‘runnin’.

He also saves her life all of the time. That gives women the dreamy-eyed look.

He totally wants me.

He totally wants me.

Then there is Eric, the Swede Vampire. I love him. Seriously– I will run away with him if he asks me to. This is the bad-boy vamp. The one that will love you and then drop you like a bad habit. Drop you in the ‘he will eat you’ kind of way. Nevertheless, he is delicious. Seriously. His character doesn’t give a flying crap what anyone really thinks and he lusts after Sookie too. I am still trying to figure that fact out–it must be the man-chin. Either way, I find her icky.

Eric, or whatever your real name is– if you are reading this, give me a call and we’ll chat. Smooches.

3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

David Boreanaz? A forbidden romance? Witty dialogue? David Boreanaz?

This is all I need to have happy Television.

HOT

HOT

4. Underworld This one is more of a man-flick, but as a lady I can honestly say that I enjoy it. Who doesn’t want to see Kate Beckingsdale in vinyl? She is my female crush. She is H-O-T. No one can dispute this fact.

In this movie (I can’t say film here. It does not qualify), vampires are depicted as an elite upper class. They are all beautiful, all sexy, all rich, and all ruthless. Throw in some Kate Beckingsdale and Scott Speedman fighting Werewolves and you’ve got yourself some entertainment. Pretty people a vampire movie do make.

Me likey. Where do I sign up?

5. Interview with the Vampire

Yep. She's about to die.

Yep. She's about to die.

I’ve never found Tom Cruise attractive. Never. He’s a little elf man who can act. But, it was in this movie that I was in awe of his sexuality. As Lestat, he smoldered. He would woo women, kiss them, nibble at them, and then suck them dry. Dirty, sexy, evil and ruthless. Women love that. He had no remorse. He was just Lestat.

And then there is Brad Pitt. Correction– a brooding, sad Brad Pitt. What

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

woman doesn’t love that? He has puppy dog eyes the entire movie. Like Bill in True Blood, Louis (Pitt) hates what he has become and hates Lestat for it. He tries to resist the urge to feed, but he can’t. He is lonely, self-loathing and gorgeous. You add the ambiance of early 1800s New Orleans decadence and the movie basically floats along dreamily.

This is a film.

Women love romance. Women love sex. Women love the bad-boy. Therefore, women love vampires. It’s pretty simple.

So which vamp is most do-able? Discuss.

#15: Self-Portraits

profileYou know who you are.

You–yeah you. The girl with the kissy-face and the peace sign. Yeah, you.

Don’t act stupid. I see you. You look stupid, but don’t act like you don’t know.

Women love to take pictures of themselves. Most women have taken said picture (yeah, the one mentioned above) at least once in their checkered pasts. You know the one. Camera phone, mirror, bathroom.

Why do we insist on taking pictures of ourselves? I mean, if there exists a group of females and a camera comes out, many of us run or shun the picture. Large groups deflect us. But, bust out a seedy club bathroom and some cocktails– here come the meticulously crafted poses and smiles.

I blame Myspace and Facebook. Don’t get me wrong– I am a Facebooker to the max. I’m actually embarrassed by it a little bit. But that option for a profile pic has ruined us. We all want to look elusive, sexy, witty, beautiful, mysterious, artsy– things we might not actually be. Our profile pics are almost like Monets– by viewing it from far way in that tiny picture box– we look awesome. But up close, we might be a big mess.

If you are fugly, there are definitely tricks to the trade. If you are trying to be cool– other methods exist. There are also those girls that simply put everything out there and don’t apologize for it. Until their Daddy sees their picture and wigs out. Look– I used to teach HS. It’s kind of awkward to see Melinda in class when you just saw Melinda’s undies in all of their glory on MySpace.

I have compiled a few of my favorite poses paired with examples (my sister has agreed to be my model/sacrificial lamb). There are some that I clearly hate more than others. You decide which ones you loathe– or have shamefully participated in.

I will not look at you. Ever.

I will not look at you. Ever.

#1: The Look Away

You hold up your camera phone. Perhaps at a side angle? No? Then how about at a lower angle, so that we are looking up at you? Check. Then, you ever-so-slightly look off to the right as if you could care less. You even purse your lips a little. Maybe open your mouth a bit… Got it. Perfection.

Darkwing Duck?

Darkwing Duck?

#2: Kissy-Face and Dueces:

This is a personal fav. Many times, you take this self-portrait with your bestie and a camera phone. But– you can rock it alone for sure.  Step 1: You stick your lips out like a love-sick duck. Step 2: Shoot us dueces. That’s kinda like saying ‘peace,’ but looking gangsta while doing it. Oh- Kissy-face usually means Slut.

Club Clothes? Check.

Club Clothes? Check.

#3: The Bathroom Scene

Camera phone, mirror, flash in the mirror and slutty club clothes do this picture make (Thanks Yoda). The point is– look as sexy as you can in the least sexy place one can think of. If you are really special, you might even catch someone behind you peeing.

#4: Artsy Photos:

"I don't wanna wait..."

"I don't wanna wait..."

You know the ones. Maybe they are in black and white. Perhaps it is of your silhouette. Maybe it’s just one of your eyes. The point is, you clearly want us all to know that you are hot-shit. God– you are cool. Can I be like you? I wonder what music you like to listen to or what movies you watch. I’m totally checking out your profile page now. You Bohemian!

WTF?

WTF?

#5: Girl on girl:

These are overtly sexual in nature fo’ sho’. You are either kissing your bestie, touching tongues, groping, biting, booty dancing, or making obscene gestures with your hands. Probably a bad idea to post if you have a real job. Everyone sees that shit. Seriously. Just ask–who was it– Ms. Nevada? She got fired for licking her friend’s boobie. Not sure if you want your boss/future boss to see that side of you…

I know there are more examples– if you have any, feel free to share.

I also just noticed that my profile pic for this site is both artsy and a look-away at the same time. Double-whammy.

I still haven’t found an answer regarding the ‘why’ we do this. I think ladies just want to look cool and be noticed. It’s no different than throwing on the $%#*–me heels and going to the club. It’s just safer.

No roofies.

#14: Retribution

Try it. I'll end you.

Try it. I'll end you.

I will cut a bitch. Seriously. Cross me and I will cut you.

There is not a woman out there that does not relish a chance for Retribution. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Crushing someone’s soul.

We all have frenemies. You know– women you work with or associate with that outwardly act as if you are friends, but you secretly plot to destroy each other. Why? Maybe you are jealous. Maybe she messed with your family. Maybe she is an amoral POS. Maybe she shat on your lawn. Who knows? Who cares? The point is, if that person crosses you– it’s on.

Perhaps it’s the drama of the situation. Both of you rallying your troops,

You want to keep the other eye?

You want to keep the other eye?

signing treaties, taking battle stations. This is all done very quietly. No one talks about it. On the outside, everyone seems cool. You might even go out as a group every so often. But dude, if that Hooker even looks at you sideways–she is gonna lose an eye Kill Bill style. I’ll make you look like Daryl Hannah. I swear.

The truth is, most women don’t get back at each another through  physical means (unless you are on Springer or she really has it coming). Smart women like to take their time–and destroy a part of you. Some women like to go after a career. Others like to go after friends. I prefer to go after one’s reputation. All of these methods take careful time and planning. Why you ask? So that no one will ever know that you that did the destroying. You will have quiet satisfaction without looking like the vindictive tramp that you are. It’s a beautiful thing.

Let me give you a scenario. Just so you can understand how we work.

You work at an office. There are a few girls there your age that work on the same floor. You become friends. You go out on the weekends, gossip about everyone–you feel part of the ‘Club.’ Then– it goes South. You lost weight. You look good. You feel good. You start dressing better. People notice you. Suddenly– the Queen Bee of ‘The Club’ (who happens to be a fatty), starts hating on you behind your back. She is talking shit everywhere, except to your face. She’s cool when she talks directly to you, yet she starts to slowly exclude you from the group, while damaging your reputation.

It’s on.

What do you do? Whatever must be done. Remember when she told you about that guy she slept with that was married–and how they had sex in her office? Oh yeah. Remember when she told you about the drugs she did in college and still does on occasion? Check. Oh– and remember when she told you about the bisexual encounter with the girl downstairs? Ha. What a dumb-ass.

Rule #1: Don’t tell people your private biz. Duh. gossip

Slowly but surely, these little tidbits start to make their way around. Everyone knows something different. Pieces fit together. Who said that? Wasn’t you. Play dumb. Stay away from everyone. Act as if you could care less and you don’t participate in such gossip. You have nothing to do with this. Now, she is the office tramp/junky/lesbo reject and everyone knows it. Objective achieved.

Bitch.

Women will never move on from something like this. That chick is History. Women can’t fight, then shrug it off and have a beer. Once you cross me– we are done. I might be nice to your face, but I’m thinking– “Try it hooker. Go on– smile funny. We’ll see what happens.” It’s constant battle within ourselves to maintain control.

I had a friend that once said “Men are stupid, but women are evil.” I didn’t truly get what he was saying at the time.

Perhaps this is what he meant.

#13: Role Play

teacherGettin’ Saucy.

In all seriousness– if you don’t love this and you are a woman– hop to it girl.

Who doesn’t like to role play? I’m not talking about the kind of role play that involved running around outside with your besties when you were 10, playing army. I’m talking about sweet lovin’. Getting down and dirty. Getting, well, creative.

If there is one place that any woman (and I do mean ANY) can lose herself, it’s in the bedroom. This my friends, is a good thing. It’s like playing pretend–adult style. Both partners can step away from real life and be someone else for a few minutes or, hopefully, hours. We can be who we want to be, say what we want to say, do what we want to do–WAIT– isn’t that a song? I digress.

It’s like Halloween. You can have costumes if you want. Hell, you can trick or treat. Be careful with the tricks though. You could get yourself into real trouble with your lady there. As a lady, you can dress like a total tramp and feel good about it. See? Halloween. I effing love Halloween.

Let us discuss The Rules of Role Play (as told be me, of course).

1. Express Yourself:

Be clear with your partner. Set boundries. Set rules. Tell her/him what you like and what you don’t like. Talk about your fantasies. If you don’t–this one is especially for the ladies– your man might roll out dressed as a horse and yell “ride me,” or some shit. Then sex is ruined forever. All you will ever see from that moment on is your partner, dressed like a horse, bit, bridle and all. There is a difference between a ‘perv’ and a ‘PERV’. All men are ‘pervs.’ It takes a special person to be a ‘PERV’.  But dude, if you are both into Pony Play, more power to you. No thanks.

2. Talk it up:

Once you two have decided on the theme, talk trash. Get in the mood. Work

I need to run to the restroom. Let's break for 10.

I need to run to the restroom. Let's break for 10.

on it all day. Call your man in the middle of the afternoon on his cell–when you know he has people around him– and talk dirty. Hell, do it in character. Let him know it’s on. It’s awesome when he can’t respond out of professionalism.

Boys, do the same. We might be ladies but we love a little trash talk. Just be prepared to deliver. Don’t say you’re going to rock us all night, get to it and then scream “kiss me quick!” and collapse on the bed. Now, that is disappointing. Especially when you talk it up all day. Bad boy.

3.Character building:

This is a dorky theater term for–choosing some lingerie for gettin’ down. Not you gentlemen. That would be weird. I could slap Fredrick’s for some of the crap they sell for men. No– the thong that looks like a rooster is not cute or funny. It’s gross. Total turnoff.

Note ladies– your character needs lingerie to match. Without it, the whole process goes down the drain. This is your chance to shine. Get it, girl!

Basic ideas for the ladies regarding character building (since we will inevitably make the decisions here):

  • A High Class Call-girl— Make no mistake. Every woman wants to play this character at some point. No doubt. The High Class version though. Don’t drop your woman off on a street corner, circle by, then pick her up for a 15 minute quickie that costs $20. No sir. Get a hotel room and order her up. Like The BK Lounge, only, have her your way. And–she’s expensive.
  • Naughty School-Girl— Men, take charge here. Teach that naughty girl how to be naughty!! “How do I get an A on this paper Mr. Jones? I’ll do Anything…”  *Thigh highs, pig tails, plaid skirt required.
  • Librarian/Teacher–Men get to be the submissive ones here. Take charge ladies and revel in it. You be the teacher. Make that boy pay. He’s been very bad. You can wear dark glasses and have your hair up in an unassuming bun. Hide the naughty stuff under a pencil skirt. Then– let him have it. He’s been too loud and people are trying to study. “Do you know what the punishment is for an overdue book Mr. Smith? Do you?”
  • Bad Secretary— Help the boss out with his dictation. Hehe. I had to say it. Are you in trouble for a dress code violation again? Janet in HR said that if you don’t wear a bra under that silk shirt again, she’s going to write you up. Did you misspell something in an email? Bad girl. He’s going to fire you. What will you do to keep your job?

Get the idea?

You cannot dispute the power to Role Play. It’s not like an everytime kind of thing. But it is nice to shed some of yourself and become someone/something else every once and awhile. It’s, well, fun. Be cheeky. Be saucy. Loosen up.

You might like it.

If this wigs you out, keep rocking missionary. Just don’t judge the freaks. We’re the ones having fun and staying married.