Category Archives: Things

#26: Fancy Drinks

scrubs-JDFancy Drinks.

It amazes me that we will starve ourselves to be thin yet we will never hesitate to down drinks in pink, green, blue, or yellow hues– doused in an unbelievable amount of sugar and calories.

Pop a piece of fruit on it and we’re there.

I used to be a bartender. I know. Drinks are an indicator of a woman’s personality. Gentleman, if you can find a woman that is down with Bourbon and a mixer, marry her. She’s a keeper. If she can’t do anything but sip on a Daquiri–she is a questionable human being at best.

And so I present, the typical Fancy Drinks women love–and what that drink says about the women that drink it.

Here it goes…

Gross.

Gross.

The Margarita

This is the “I don’t give a shit about myself” drink.

Loaded in salt, sugar, and some yellow/green shit, it is the ultimate party starter in any Mexican restaurant. Let’s face it, most people that order this piece of crap don’t care what kind of tequila is in it. It’s just in there. Drink up.

Between the chips, that chicken and cheese quesadilla you just scarfed down in 2.5 minutes flat and the pitcher of liquid crap you funneled, have fun with that after-effect tomorrow. Women that insist on this drink everytime they party are lonely, depressed, or downright done with caring about themselves. It’s a sad, sad drink.

I’ll drink ’em every once in awhile. I’ll say something like “I don’t give a shit! Let’s a get a pitcher! Whoo Hoo!”

I rest my case.

Carrie loves this drink...

Carrie loves this drink...

Cosmopolitan

Cosmo for short bitches.

If you don’t know what this is, you have never seen Sex and the City. Therefore, you are not cool.

This is the ‘trendy drink.’ It’s pink, relativley low cal, and comes in a cute glass. A lady that orders this everytime she goes out wants to be The Shit. She must always look fashionable and appear to be fabulous. She judges every lady that walks in the door. She scoffs at the men looking in her direction. They are looking, you know. This is the drink for women that wish they lived in the city (any city) but are confined to the suburbs.

I effing love a good Cosmo.

So cute!

So cute!

Appletini (Zach Braff’s fav)

I used to make these like gangbustas when I bartended.

The Appletini is the bubbly girl’s answer to the Cosmo. “It’s sweet and sour! OMG!”  Green, sugary and without a hint of alcohol to taste, young drinkers love this one. It looks sophisticated but it actually isn’t. Awesome.

“I like mine with a cherry! Want to see me tie the stem into a knot with my tongue? I can do it! I swear!” Sound familiar?

This one is tasty. It is cute. It sneaks up on you. That’s the kind of lady that drinks this thing. Cute, bubbly and probably tasty. Either way, she’s high maintenance and will drive you nuts by the end of the night. This is the kind of girl that will meet a guy and declare that she loves him after about 5 more  glasses of this alien pee. Then she’ll cry when he leaves. She’ll also throw up when she gets home. Love her.

Have fun with that one.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

The Daquiri/Any Frozen Drink

The old lady drink.

Picture a tropical island. Beautiful bodies on the sand, waves washing to shore. Then the middle-aged partiers show up. What are the old ladies drinking? You guessed it. Break out the rum bitches.

Look, most ladies love a good frozen, alcoholic popscicle. Delicious. They just become much more popular with age for some reason. If they aren’t drinking a frozen Margarita (see first example), bring on the Daquiri. They get drunk as crap off of these things–which amazes me because there’s hardly any alcohol in them!

Maybe it’s because rum is easy. Rum is safe. Rum is yummy. Who knows?

Word of advice–when the seniors start doing the limbo, you know it’s time to jet.

I know,  I  know. All of the drinks mentioned above are tasty. We have all consumed said drinks. There are just typical women that insist on these every single time they decide to get crazy. Break the mold! Get out of your rut! Re-invent yourself!

Just sayin’….

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#24: Romance Novels

romance novelsIt is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Naughty, naughty dreams.

The Romance Novel. The twin sister of male-oriented porn. The answer to quick sex for no reason. The book covers that made douchebags like Fabio famous.

What is it about erotic fiction that gets a woman’s libido jumping? Why do we insist on reading this ridiculous crap? Look– women are sexual. We fantasize. We get naughty–just like men. But, we work differently. Honestly? Most of your basic run-of-the-mill porn just doesn’t do it for us. It’s too wham, bam, thank you ma’am. It’s ugly, it’s unrealistic and it’s kinda gross.

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Women need a story. Albiet, it’s often a cheesy story– but we need characters and settings. Reasons for the actual sex. If the pizza guy shows up and the girl ordering the pizza decides to have sex with him, we want to know why. Do they know each other? Is that how’s she’s paying him for the pizza? Let’s be honest–the pizza guy is seldom ever hot. He’s usually gross and hairy, his only attribute being the size of his ‘throbbing manhood.’ Ew.

Enter the Romance Novel.

Erotic fiction is particularly attractive to the average female because it gives us the ability to imagine it all. Most women don’t want to actually see the sex on the screen (probably because it’s ugly). They like to imagine it in their minds. That way, everyone is attractive. You can picture the settings. You can picture the sex as you see it and– it’s usually much hotter than the three-way porn video your man is into. (FYI: Let the three-way go fellas. If she wants to do it, she will. Otherwise, let it go.)

It’s not like the Romance Novel should win any awards for writing. It is what it is. Frankly, when paired with essential toys, it is the masturbatory tool for womankind. There. I said it. Are some people getting hot over this? Moving on…

This genre doesn’t necessarily come only in book form either. Magazines like Playboy market erotic fiction. The internet has massive sites dedicated to this type of writing as well. Some people are really talented at this. Seriously.

So, what kind of fiction gets the ladies going? What works for them? You men are probably wondering this, right? Below are some simple examples of things that get us going.

Will they ever be?

Will they ever be?

1. Forbidden Love–

Oh yeah. He wants her, but he can never have her. There is some sort of barrier that prevents them from consumating their relationship. Perhaps he is married to another. Maybe she is a nun. Is she too young? Does he have a dark past? Hell– as long as they have hot, passionate sex by the end of the story– we are satisfied. That hot sex better happen on a dark and stormy night, in a remote location like a quaint little barn– and they will make declarations of love. Sigh…

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

2. Angry Sex–

My personal favorite. The two characters in question have a fight. A serious fight. There is yelling and harsh words are used. Feelings are hurt. Maybe one of the characters is shattered over this. She cries. They could be best friends. Maybe they hate each other. In the end, he is going to push her up against the wall and eff her brains out. Passionate, animalistic, HOT. In the end, he always takes her. His way.

They are soooo gonna do it.

They are soooo gonna do it.

3. Fanfiction–

These tend to be the online versions. They involve shows like Bones, The XFiles and CSI. Characters that have tons of sexual tension, but never resolve it on the small screen. But, on the internet, anything is possible my friend! If you want to see Mulder and Scully or Bones and Booth have smoldering sex, find one of these sites. It’s all here.

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

4. The Slow Seduction–

This can go wither way. The woman can slowly seduce the man, or vice versa. Women usually prefer the man doing the seducing. Perhaps he’s the lawn boy and she is a rich heiress on a massive estate. He does little things for her like planting her favorite flowers, smiling at her as she passes by and telling her she is beautiful. He may only be the lawn boy, but the slow seduction is killing her. She wants him and she will have him. Or, does he have her? Who cares. Let’s get to it!

It’s all about imagination people. Women thrive off of this. You want to know how to get us hot and bothered? Create one of these scenarios. Role play one out. Read up. It’s not that we won’t watch porn with you. If asked, we will. But, when we are alone, it’s much more interesting to use our minds to get us going. Romance Novels do it for us.

How can I spell this out any better than I already have? Go forth, and get some!

#23: Gossip Rags

in touchYou know you do it.

You swear you’re not going to the second you get into the checkout line. Yet, they stare back at you, mocking your resolve. Dozens of shiny covers, filled with gossipy goodness. You fold. You grab that In Touch Magazine, throw it on top of your groceries, pay and then bolt. You can’t wait to read that juicy article on the Brangelina-Jenn Aniston love triangle. You’re clearly on team-Jolie.

Wait– that’s me. Go Angie.

The Gossip Rag. The British may have invented it–but it took some good All-American know how to get it really going.

What is a Gossip Rag you ask? Why, it is the epitome of professional journalism, my friend. They are glossy magazines filled with the latest, juiciest and craziest stories about the most important people on the planet– celebrities.

And women are totally obsessed with them– the magazines AND the celebrities.

Go ahead. Go to a woman’s house. Any woman. I defy you to try and prove that this woman has no celeb magazines in her home. Check the magazine rack. Check the coffee table. The end tables. Check everywhere. Lastly– check the Bathroom. That’s usually where the celeb gossip gold is. If she hasn’t bought a Rag in awhile, she sure as shit has borrowed one from a friend at some point. If you can’t find one anywhere in the house, then she is clearly ashamed and hiding them, or she has a social disorder. Either way, somethings up. She might be crazy.

Get out of there. Quickly.

Tabloid-Whores.

Tabloid-Whores.

Why is it that women buy this crap? Why do we care if Heidi Montag-Pratt posed in Playboy and found Jesus all in the same day? Why do we care if JLo dropped the baby weight? Why in the hell do we care about Jenn Aniston and her obvious dating/commitment issues? Why do we want to see stars without their makeup?

Dude– it’s really simple. If the stars are that screwed up, then we can all feel better about our little and insignificant lives.

(We are insignificant. They are Gods. Why can’t you understand this?)

All of the stars are clearly basket cases. At least, all of the ones that reside between the pages of these awesome excuses for magazines. If you are a celebrity and you are not in there, you might be dead in Hollywood. Your days are numbered. Quick! Go to a club, get smashed and hang out with Lindsay Lohan. Maybe you can drive on the wrong side of the road and get pulled over. Hit Lindsay in the face while your being arrested. There you go. You’re back on track kiddo. Say hello to a mediocre film about aliens.

Now, the Gossip Rags are not just in magazine form. Of course not! We live in a media-celeb-frenzied society. We have TV versions of gossip and the internet. Sweet, sweet internet. Now, I can check up on the latest gossip right at work, whenever I feel like it. That way, I won’t have a meltdown when I want to check in on my best friend…err, I mean…favorite celebrity. I need pictures of Katie Holmes right now! I want to know how big Suri is! I’ll check TMZ. com.

Ahhhh, crisis averted.

TV is just as good. With shows like Entertainment Tonight (the touchstone of

E! TV hostess to the stars-- and our hearts.

E! TV hostess to the stars-- and our hearts.

celeb reporting), E!, and Access Hollywood, I can be plugged into my favorite gossip 24-7. It’s a beautiful thing.

Look, it’s only natural that women love to gossip. It’s in our genetic makeup or something. As a woman, I love to gossip about people that I deem cooler than me or people that clearly love themselves. The whole Judgment thing again applies here. If we can collectively gossip about celebrities and how they are ‘so weird’ or ‘so bitchy,’ women are going to relish in that act.

The favorite celeb/gossip magazines are as follows:

  1. In Touch — This one is cheap. Women love cheap. $1.99 baby.
  2. Life & Style — Again, cheap. They have a style section too. Fun.
  3. People — The Entertainment Tonight of Gossip Rags. Touchstone baby.
  4. Us Weekly — They love relationship drama. And Speidi. Gross.
  5. Star — This one used to be tabloid-esque. Still is, but now more reliable after they broke the John Edwards story. Journalism gold here!

I have bought/borrowed/read while checking out each of these. Therefore, I am probably supporting several reality TV celebutants–but who cares really? I know the truth about these people and it’s not always pretty. Based on my research (as I check out) I have concluded the following:

  • Jon and Kate hate their kids
  • Jenn Aniston will die a shrew
  • Lindsay Lohan will die before the age of 30
  • Teen actors are going to destroy us all
  • Brad and Angie are actually living saints
  • Matthew McConaughey loves weed and exercising shirtless

Let’s check back on my assumptions over the course of this blog and see what turns out to be true. I’m going with 100%.

Trust me. I am an expert.

#21: Halloween

HalloweenHalloween itself is not inane.

Halloween is not just something that ladies love.

Who doesn’t adore Halloween (excluding the weirdo super-Christians that don’t celebrate anything fun)? Kids love Halloween. Men love Halloween. Women love Halloween. Old people love Halloween–unless their house is getting egged. Okay, dogs probably hate it– but we pretend they love it when we are dressing them up like ninjas or Superman.

Halloween is a special holiday for women. Halloween truly stands out for us because it is the one day of the year that women can dress up like tramps, sluts, hookers and any other whorish persona we wish to emulate. We can all come together, united in our Ho costumes for one glorious night.

The key: This one beautiful night of the year, no one will judge us.

We’ve all done it. There are just so many choices out there. They have entire websites devoted to sexy costuming for Halloween. Whole categories are filled with anything that one could imagine. I remember a Sexy Rainbow Bright costume that I saw once. Damn– I wanted that thing. You name a character from your childhood and I can guarantee that some company has sexified it in the name of Halloween. Thank you Corporate America.

I still recall going to a tapas bar downtown a few years ago on Halloween. I swear to God, some chicks rolled in dressed as Victoria’s Secret Angels. Literally. Bras, panties, wings, heels. That was it. They could handle it too. They looked spectacular. Can you imagine this happening on any other night? Maybe at the Pink Pony. But on Halloween– everyone looked at them and then moved on. It was just normal. Those girls must have felt like rock stars.

There are, of course, the typical trampy Halloween costumes that girls tend to gravitate toward. These are not original. These are not creative. These are not that cool. Still– these styles prevail. (Disclaimer– there are many more than the 3 that I list. I hate these 3 the most)

Sooo original.

Sooo original.

1. The French Maid –

What the Hell is with the French Maid costume? I understand that one can find it anywhere. I understand that it shows your boobs. I get that it is short enough to warrant a pair of pants. Perhaps that’s all there is to it. I still think there are plenty of trashy costumes that don’t involve a feather duster. Still, this is the costume of costumes. Go out on Halloween. You will see several women packed into a tiny black dress adorned with a a white apron.

Even women that shouldn’t have purchased it. You know who you are.

Officer Boobies.

Officer Boobies.

2. Sexy Authority Figure –

This comes in many forms. Firefighter, prison guard, etc. The most popular tends to appear in the form of Sexy Police Officer. You know– Aviators. Jaunty hat. Shirt that has been made into a very short dress with a belt and heels. Cuffs. A badge was probably included in the cheap packaging. It says something like Officer Boobies. Very original.

3. Sexy School Girl –

Hit me baby.

Hit me baby.

I’ve been over this one. See my Role Playing post. EVERY girl has done this costume at least once. It’s probably popular because you can do it yourself. It’s also popular because men are pervs and every man digs this ‘durty’ virginal look. All you need: pigtails, white button up, cardigan, short plaid skirt, thigh highs and naughty heels. Voila! Think Britney Spears at 15. There you go.

Those costumes make me want to fight a bitch. I”m going to be honest. They kind of piss me off. If I see a girl in one of these I will judge her as boring and not that bright. Try some originality! Be interesting and sexy at the same time. I’ll give it a go. Perhaps I will inspire someone.

Who's the Star Stealer now?

Who's the Star Stealer now?

1. Sexy Childhood Character –

I’ve already mentioned the Sexy Rainbow Bright. The only change that you need to make to the costume is a pair of rainbow thigh highs and some naughty bloomers under your short dress. What’s at the end of your rainbow?

I would go with a hot She-Ra costume. You know– She-Ra. The Princess of Power? Roll in with your thigh high stiletto boots, short white dress and a sword. Attached? Have no fear my little lady. Your man can come as He-man. Get him a shirt with abs painted on. He can have a sword too. That’ll make him happy.

It’ll also start conversation and you can kick the French Maid’s ass.

Goddess.

Goddess.

2. Fan-Boy Costumes –

What is this? Dude. The gold mine. Think Comic Con. These are the costumes that men will respect AND get hot for. You will be a goddess in one of these. My personal favorite? The Princess Leia Slave Girl outfit. Metal bra. High-cut-scarf-skirt-thingy. Thong. Long, braided ponytail. Ladies– you must be honest here. If you don’t rock a six pack, give it up. You could go with another option like Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Brothers or Xena, Warrior Princess. Hell, be a Bond girl. That’ll get any man hot.

If you can handle Leia, men will admire you for being down with Star Wars and for being sexy while doing it.

3. Sexy Historical Women

Let them eat...what?

Let them eat...what?

I know. It sounds dry and boring. It doesn’t have to be. Come on! Think about it. You could be Catherine the Great. Wear a corset, wear a wig, wear thigh highs, wear a horse. It could be funny and hot at the same time. What about one of the Boleyn girls? Have I said corset yet? Push those boobies up. Shorten the hem line (significantly) and look smart while doing it. Lady Godiva? Marie Antoinette? Jackie Kennedy? That pink suit is snazzy…

There are so many choices here, I would have a hard time starting. The key is to add sexy touches. Note: Know something about the person you are dressing up as. That would probably be wise. It may suck if someone asks you why you dressed as Marie Antoinette and you mentioned something about Mother Russia. Wrong country punk.

There it is.

Perhaps you have gathered some ideas. Perhaps you are like, “eff it– I love the french maid outfit! I do what I want!” Just remember ladies– we are a sisterhood on Halloween. I may not like your costume, but you have the right to be sexy on All Hallows Eve. Slut it up. Work it girl.