#29: Wine

wine drinkerLet me be clear right off of the bat:

Do I love wine? Yes. Does it get me schnockered? Yep. Do I know a lot about wine? Nope. Do I care? Hell no.

I just like that I look classy while drinking it.

It’s the perfect drink.

This has been the trend in recent years. More and more women who love to drink but are just tired of cheap beer or crappy Jamaican rum that tastes like a tube of Banana Boat sunscreen exploded into your rocks glass. Ick.

Yes, liquor is quicker. It is also more expensive. It can also make you look trashy. Ladies– we do not want to appear trashy. Hide that aspect of your personality at all costs. (One also must note that the beer/liquor combo can be a devastating one if not handled properly. What was it again? Beer before liquor….)How many ladies have you seen flash the bar after a few too many Chardonnays? Now go back and count the numerous instances in which the bar was flashed after Tequilla shots?

Case closed.

Look, we’ve all seen the more, well, mature ladies get frisky after the vino. My point rests with the younger crowd. That crowd is attempting to appear more mature without actually achieving that goal.

Setting all of this aside, any woman with a wine glass in hand looks cool as shit. Red or white she looks like she knows what she is doing. Hell, it could be Franzia, but if she’s owning it…well, you go girl. It’s an image thing. A lady drinking wine looks like she knows what she wants. She looks smarter. She looks successful. She looks desirable.

She looks sexy.

When I drink wine I feel inherently sexy. The way I hold the glass, the way I sip the wine, the smell of the wine…I could be rocking a sweatsuit covered in baby spit up but in my mind, I look (and smell) like Heidi Klum.

While I can’t speak for the men out there, to me, a woman slowly nursing a glass of Pinot Noir looks much sexier than that idiot in the tube top downstairs shooting Jager. She might be able to hang, she might be easy– but can she spell Jager? Ask her to try. It would be awesome. To top that off, tell her that her tube top is on backward. It’ll go on for about 20 minutes and you may see some boobies.

Wine drinking ladies are also looking for the wine drinking men. It’s the key to sexual success. Not only does wine get you ridiculously hammered, it can also result in a classy man getting lucky with a classy lady. If you are drinking wine, you are classy. If you are drinking beer, you are living on borrowed time. Keep that in mind.

classy lady

Wow. She's so classy. I want to be classy too!

For the wine virgins out there, stick with easy wines so you don’t take a sip of Cabernet and choke on it like a total retard.

Note: If I so much as catch your ass drinking some shit like White Merlot, or White Zinfandel– you are dead to me. I may not know a lot about wine but I do know you can’t be trusted.

Put down the glass. Refill with Pinot. Strike a pose. Rehearse why you are drinking that wine. Sniff wine, swirl wine, drink wine.

It’s on.

You stay classy lady wine drinkers.

#28: The Bad Boy

edI can save him. I can change him.

I swear. All he needs is the love of a good woman. That woman is obviously me.

In all seriousness, this tape will play through a woman’s clouded mind at least once in her little life. Probably more than once.

The appeal of the Bad Boy to the average woman can be completely befuddling to the average man. Why is it that women will stay with these jokers when they cheat, beat people up, smoke, drink, throw phones and otherwise are total douchebags? Cause They are extremely hot. Those chiseled cheek bones, the cigarette, messy hair, leather pants and philandering nature are all appealing. He won’t be that way forever silly. He just needs my undivided attention, love and loyalty. I can change him; make him a better man. One day he will realize that I am the one.

Duh.  It’s Science.

This concept really irritates my husband. “Why in the hell do women do this to themselves?” he questions– looking to me for an answer. Honestly? I don’t really have a good one. The Bad Boy is just so damn sexy. Maybe he’s the guy ladies  get all naughty with but never marry. Is that his role? To be a sexual teacher? I married a nice guy (who, mind you, is also a sexual tiger), my friends married nice guys. In general, those that married a Bad Boy are now divorced or headed that way.

Maybe that is it. Bad Boy= Sexual experience (sans strings). Maybe it’s just the fantasy of it all.

Let us discuss some fictional and non-fictional examples, shall we?

Hey Preppie.

Hey Preppie.

1. AC Slater (The Clean Bad Boy)

This is the PG Bad Boy.

He’s the Bad Boy to Zack Morris’ insipid California boy. He was, for many my age, the first real Bad Boy we were secretly coveting. I know that Mario Lopez is a total douche. I didn’t know this when I was 12 and strangely attracted to the guy that threatened to beat up Screech and danced in a leotard. I bet he could of taught Kelly Kapowski a thing or two about Sexual Education. Besides– the Jheri Curl mullet was amazing.

Take off your shirt and stop talking.

Take off your shirt and stop talking.

2. Sawyer (Bad Boy with a Heart)

What woman doesn’t want to spend months on a magic island with a shirtless Southern boy who breaks all of the rules? I mean, good God. Sawyer is the ultimate example of the Southern Bad boy. He puts the fat guy down, drinks, shoots guns, sleeps with the hot chick– did I mention he is usually shirtless? To top that off, he is heeelariously sarcastic.

The thing about Sawyer that is so appealing (setting aside his six-pack), is that although he is seriously flawed (which the right girl can ‘fix’), he has convictions. He has a heart. He shows it rarely, but when he does, women everywhere swoon. We are so effing dumb.

I love guns.

I love guns.

3. T.I. (Reformed Bad Boy)

I kind of want to ravage him.

Sure, he went to jail for a year after being caught with semi-automatic weapons, automatic weapons and silencers. Perhaps someone failed to mention to him the illegality of that particular purchase? He was probably going to kill someone. They probably had it coming.

Then, he got caught. Then, he reformed.

Hell, he had a whole record about how he had changed. He won awards for it! He Rocked the Vote. He spoke out against violence. See? Proof that Bad Boys can change. It wasn’t about getting a lighter sentence. Quit being so negative. He might shoot you.

Yep. He can eat me. I said it.

Yep. He can eat me. I said it.

4. Eric Northman (Evil Bad Boy)

Uh…I know I’ve mentioned him before– but damn.

He will straight murder your ass. He will not love you. He will eat you. He may have sex with you but then you will be his lunch. Let me just be the first to say that if I’m going to die, I’m okay with going that way.

Alan Ball and Charlaine Harris(True Blood Creators) came up with this Bad Boy character with no real redeemable qualities. He just is, simply, a Bad Boy. By this I mean he’s a killer. And it is really hot. A good woman might not be able to change him, but she will sure as hell die trying.

Dirty Hot.

Dirty Hot.

5. Colin Farrell (King of the Bad Boys)

What can I say here?

Irish? Check. Smoker? Check. Bad Mouth? Check. Sex Tape with a huge Wanker? Check. Man Whore? Check.

H-O-T.

May I present, Colin Farrell. The Ultimate Bad Boy.

I think that as we grow up and become more experienced sexually women begin to understand that the basic Bad Boy is not a keeper. Maybe we learn to use him like he uses us. I think that most of us just wish we had figured it out when we were younger so that we could maximize his usefullness– that whole ‘Sexual Teacher’ thing.

The truth is, you can’t change a Bad Boy. I blame Hollywood for making us think we can. It’s just stupid.

Take the Bad Boy for what he is–a blip on your sexual radar. No stings, no hearts broken.

Thoughts?

#27: Titanic

I wish they would fall.

I wish they would fall.

Dude.

Near, far, wherever you are (I’m at the bottom of the ocean you splintered-board hogging bitch), I believe that the heart does go on.

There are so many cliches in Titanic– it seems women are just destined to love this movie.

“I’m the King of the World?” Celine Dion? Tragic Love?

Yep. It’s all here.

Thanks must be given to James Cameron for this gem. Women across the universe lined up to witness a story about Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and a boat. Women swooned, cried and fainted. They saw the film 10,11,12 times each. It is the highest grossing film of all time. Thanks to women.

Men, on the other hand; men loathe this movie. All males may love Aliens, The Terminator and The Abyss–but I’m not sure if James Cameron will ever be forgiven by the countless souls that were dragged to the theatre by their significant others to see this sap fest.

It’s been like, 12 years and I am still trying to figure this whole thing out. This Titanic thing. I saw it in high school. To me, it seemed like a 3 hour soap opera until the damn boat sank. The most memorable scene was the propeller guy. You know what I’m talking about. That had to hurt. I exhaled cherry coke out of my nose I laughed so hard. Perhaps I have no empathy. Carrying on…

What makes this film work? What elements made it an utter hypnotic cash cow for James Cameron? It’s a tragic love story with pretty dresses and Leo DiCaprio. That’s all ladies need. Still, there are elements that seem so oddly placed, I can’t get past them.

1. Casting

Let me first begin with Leonardo DiCaprio and  Kate Winslet. For starters, Leo may not have been the best choice for the hero. He weighed all of 100  pounds in 1997 and he still has a head the size of a watermelon. Put him next to Kate Winslet and he looks like a 15 year old boy lusting after his teacher–even if Kate was all of 22 when she made the film. Let’s face it–she was a voluptuous gal. I don’t know if Leo’s character (Jack for the idiots) could handle all that lovin’.

Ew.

Ew.

Then there was Billy Zane. What the hell is up with him and scary boat movies? If you’ve seen Dead Calm, you know what I’m talking about. And–is he wearing eyeliner? Is that a toupe? Jesus he gives me the creeps. I will give him this: Great villain. He does scare me. Still, if he bought me The Heart of the Ocean, I would marry him and then have numerous affairs. I like sparkly things. Just sayin’…

2. Theme Song

Did anyone else want to strangle the Irish girl ahhhing in the background the entire effing movie? Maybe that was just me…

Why does she hit herself?

Why does she hit herself?

Enter Celine Dion. Sure, she was a star in her own right by then–but Titanic allowed her to take off to megastardom. My Heart Will Go On was an enormous success. I sang the shit out of that song my junior year in high school. Every woman on the planet was singing and beating the crap out of their chest, trying to imitate her. She seriously needs to eat. I want to force-feed her a pizza or just a simple sandwich.

Thanks Titanic. Thank you for that Canadian stick figure that married her Dad…uh I mean, manager.

3. Love Story

I don’t know if I buy it. There. I said it.

4. Obvious and Blatant Comparison of Rich and Poor

Rich people have no soul. Poor people love to dance and feel alive. Fuck rich people.

5. Death Scene(s)

Some scenes that were meant to be horrible ended up being heeelarious.

  • Fabrizio (Jack’s buddy) getting hit and killed by the smokestack. Awesome.
  • The Propeller Guy–already discussed.
  • Move over fatty!

    Move over fatty!

    Jack Dawson- The hero of our story. He and Kate make it. They are in the water, waiting for rescue. They find a large board to rest on. For some reason, that bitch doesn’t share any space. At all. And so Jack freezes to death. ‘Thank you poor boy that drew me naked and had sex with me–thank you for dying and letting me sleep on the floating board. I didn’t know that you wanted to share. Ooopps. My bad. Now, let me pry your frozen, dead hand from mine and watch you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Never Let Go Jack! Yeah, thanks.’

  • Old Lady Rose- Who in the hell throws away a multi-million dollar shiny thing? Dude. At least hand it off to your granddaughter you B. Then you can die.

That’s all I have for now. I get it– women loved this movie. Love story with a tragic ending, yada yada yada. A tragic ending that you knew would happen because we ALL knew that the boat sank. Cause the boat sinking actually happened. In 1912. It’s History. You all know that, right?

I liked it when I saw it.

I was 16.

If it’s still on your Facebook fav movies list– I question your maturity and taste. By the way– James Cameron? You are a total Douchebag.

I still don’t forgive you.

#26: Fancy Drinks

scrubs-JDFancy Drinks.

It amazes me that we will starve ourselves to be thin yet we will never hesitate to down drinks in pink, green, blue, or yellow hues– doused in an unbelievable amount of sugar and calories.

Pop a piece of fruit on it and we’re there.

I used to be a bartender. I know. Drinks are an indicator of a woman’s personality. Gentleman, if you can find a woman that is down with Bourbon and a mixer, marry her. She’s a keeper. If she can’t do anything but sip on a Daquiri–she is a questionable human being at best.

And so I present, the typical Fancy Drinks women love–and what that drink says about the women that drink it.

Here it goes…

Gross.

Gross.

The Margarita

This is the “I don’t give a shit about myself” drink.

Loaded in salt, sugar, and some yellow/green shit, it is the ultimate party starter in any Mexican restaurant. Let’s face it, most people that order this piece of crap don’t care what kind of tequila is in it. It’s just in there. Drink up.

Between the chips, that chicken and cheese quesadilla you just scarfed down in 2.5 minutes flat and the pitcher of liquid crap you funneled, have fun with that after-effect tomorrow. Women that insist on this drink everytime they party are lonely, depressed, or downright done with caring about themselves. It’s a sad, sad drink.

I’ll drink ’em every once in awhile. I’ll say something like “I don’t give a shit! Let’s a get a pitcher! Whoo Hoo!”

I rest my case.

Carrie loves this drink...

Carrie loves this drink...

Cosmopolitan

Cosmo for short bitches.

If you don’t know what this is, you have never seen Sex and the City. Therefore, you are not cool.

This is the ‘trendy drink.’ It’s pink, relativley low cal, and comes in a cute glass. A lady that orders this everytime she goes out wants to be The Shit. She must always look fashionable and appear to be fabulous. She judges every lady that walks in the door. She scoffs at the men looking in her direction. They are looking, you know. This is the drink for women that wish they lived in the city (any city) but are confined to the suburbs.

I effing love a good Cosmo.

So cute!

So cute!

Appletini (Zach Braff’s fav)

I used to make these like gangbustas when I bartended.

The Appletini is the bubbly girl’s answer to the Cosmo. “It’s sweet and sour! OMG!”  Green, sugary and without a hint of alcohol to taste, young drinkers love this one. It looks sophisticated but it actually isn’t. Awesome.

“I like mine with a cherry! Want to see me tie the stem into a knot with my tongue? I can do it! I swear!” Sound familiar?

This one is tasty. It is cute. It sneaks up on you. That’s the kind of lady that drinks this thing. Cute, bubbly and probably tasty. Either way, she’s high maintenance and will drive you nuts by the end of the night. This is the kind of girl that will meet a guy and declare that she loves him after about 5 more  glasses of this alien pee. Then she’ll cry when he leaves. She’ll also throw up when she gets home. Love her.

Have fun with that one.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

The Daquiri/Any Frozen Drink

The old lady drink.

Picture a tropical island. Beautiful bodies on the sand, waves washing to shore. Then the middle-aged partiers show up. What are the old ladies drinking? You guessed it. Break out the rum bitches.

Look, most ladies love a good frozen, alcoholic popscicle. Delicious. They just become much more popular with age for some reason. If they aren’t drinking a frozen Margarita (see first example), bring on the Daquiri. They get drunk as crap off of these things–which amazes me because there’s hardly any alcohol in them!

Maybe it’s because rum is easy. Rum is safe. Rum is yummy. Who knows?

Word of advice–when the seniors start doing the limbo, you know it’s time to jet.

I know,  I  know. All of the drinks mentioned above are tasty. We have all consumed said drinks. There are just typical women that insist on these every single time they decide to get crazy. Break the mold! Get out of your rut! Re-invent yourself!

Just sayin’….

#25: Justin Timberlake

JTHe brought Sexy back.

He can sing, dance, write, act and improv on SNL.

He is Justin Timberlake.

Women adore him, men want to be him. He is the shit. What woman on this planet doesn’t have a tiny little crush on this man? What man doesn’t envy the fact that he is banging Jessica Biel? Bootylicious indeed. The man is like a tiny, Southern, adorable Golden God with a mean falsetto.

Justin Timberlake took what women loved about ‘Boy Bands’ and actually survived their inevitable demise in 2000. JT was a prominent member of the Boy Band 2.0’s. You know…The Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and N’Sync (Note: Boy band 1.0’s include NKOTB and Take That).

How did JT survive and come out on top when his bandmates didn’t fare so well? Setting aside the talent question, Mr. Timberlake reinvented himself.

justifiedFirst Phase: Justified A.K.A. F-U Britney Spears

He shaved off his cute, curly locks from his N’Sync years. I admit, I shed a few tears over this, but when he emerged with the short crop and the man-stubble, I fell in love with him all over again. Then Justified came out. Ladies, you remember. “Cry Me a River”?

Hooker.

That was the big F-off to the Princess of Pop and his cheating ex-girlfriend, Miss Brit Brit. Women wanted to comfort him and kill her in the same breath. Skank. Men still saluted him for tapping that before she got fat and crazy. All in all… a great start.

Second Phase: Super Bowl Sexiness

Get some.

Get some.

Justin performed at the Super Bowl. With Miss Janet. Awesome. Although halftime shows usually blow, I watched this one. About the time I got up to grab another beer and lament yet another championship for the Patriots, Janet’s booby flopped out–and Justin was the one who exposed it. It was kinda hot. I called it Titty-Gate. I’m sure there is another connotation for this event that is cleaner– but if given the choice between classy and funny, I go for humor.
You know you’re laughing.

Anyhoo, this ‘wardrobe malfunction’ was just more excuse to talk about the sexiness that was and is JT.

Step 1...

Step 1...

Third Phase: Timberlake the Actor

Like all singers, JT soon got the acting bug. The thing is, he was kind of good. Black Snake Moan was interesting. Alpha Dog had some potential. And then he did SNL in December of 2006. That was when we were all witness to the brilliance that was and still is Dick in a Box. If you have never seen said short, click here.

Oh yeah. He has gone on to do several spoofs with Andy Samberg and the cast of SNL including my personal fav, Motherlover. Geniuses.

The Trifecta of 2006-2007

The Trifecta of 2006-2007

Phase 4: Future Sex/Love Sounds–Cameron Diaz

He brought Sexy back. Women didn’t even know it was gone until we saw him strut into that club on his music video. And damn– did he bring it back! He had everyone on this album. Snoop Dog, will.i.am, and Three 6 Mafia all participated. It was amazing.

Thank you Timbaland. Thank you for working with JT and helping to nurture his true sexiness. I would thank Nelly Furtado too, but she kinda sucks.

Not only did he put an album out there that kicked ass (I still listen to it),  he did the world tour AND the HBO special. On top of that, JT started dating Cameron Diaz. Sexiness abounds.

Phase 5: Fashion, Food, Collaboration and Biel

In one short period, JT soon became a fashion icon. Hats, Skinny suits and Chucks. Delicious. He opened a few restaurants. Namely, “Southern Hospitality” in New York. He can scoop up some southern hospitality on me any damn time. JT also started collaborating. Whether is was on SNL or with Madonna, dude was everywhere. Women rejoiced.

Dayyyamn. Not fair.

Dayyyamn. Not fair.

And then there was Biel. Jessica Biel.

The ultimate woman. Tall, lean and gorgeous– she has the body of a goddess. They are beautiful together. Her ass is amazing. I mean, I want to squeeze it. I have to say that.

Justin Timberlake ladies and gentlemen. Women love this dude. I honestly don’t think that men can argue with this one. They kinda have man-crushes on him. Look at what he has! If anything, he took Brit’s virginity and has slept with Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel. Pimp.

One final rumination– JT, I think you should do another Music Video with Andy. Instead of the Color Me Bad vibe, go for the actual Boy Band feel. Maybe get in a fight with Nick Lachey?

Just sayin’…

#24: Romance Novels

romance novelsIt is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Naughty, naughty dreams.

The Romance Novel. The twin sister of male-oriented porn. The answer to quick sex for no reason. The book covers that made douchebags like Fabio famous.

What is it about erotic fiction that gets a woman’s libido jumping? Why do we insist on reading this ridiculous crap? Look– women are sexual. We fantasize. We get naughty–just like men. But, we work differently. Honestly? Most of your basic run-of-the-mill porn just doesn’t do it for us. It’s too wham, bam, thank you ma’am. It’s ugly, it’s unrealistic and it’s kinda gross.

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Why is he here? Why is she...ew!

Women need a story. Albiet, it’s often a cheesy story– but we need characters and settings. Reasons for the actual sex. If the pizza guy shows up and the girl ordering the pizza decides to have sex with him, we want to know why. Do they know each other? Is that how’s she’s paying him for the pizza? Let’s be honest–the pizza guy is seldom ever hot. He’s usually gross and hairy, his only attribute being the size of his ‘throbbing manhood.’ Ew.

Enter the Romance Novel.

Erotic fiction is particularly attractive to the average female because it gives us the ability to imagine it all. Most women don’t want to actually see the sex on the screen (probably because it’s ugly). They like to imagine it in their minds. That way, everyone is attractive. You can picture the settings. You can picture the sex as you see it and– it’s usually much hotter than the three-way porn video your man is into. (FYI: Let the three-way go fellas. If she wants to do it, she will. Otherwise, let it go.)

It’s not like the Romance Novel should win any awards for writing. It is what it is. Frankly, when paired with essential toys, it is the masturbatory tool for womankind. There. I said it. Are some people getting hot over this? Moving on…

This genre doesn’t necessarily come only in book form either. Magazines like Playboy market erotic fiction. The internet has massive sites dedicated to this type of writing as well. Some people are really talented at this. Seriously.

So, what kind of fiction gets the ladies going? What works for them? You men are probably wondering this, right? Below are some simple examples of things that get us going.

Will they ever be?

Will they ever be?

1. Forbidden Love–

Oh yeah. He wants her, but he can never have her. There is some sort of barrier that prevents them from consumating their relationship. Perhaps he is married to another. Maybe she is a nun. Is she too young? Does he have a dark past? Hell– as long as they have hot, passionate sex by the end of the story– we are satisfied. That hot sex better happen on a dark and stormy night, in a remote location like a quaint little barn– and they will make declarations of love. Sigh…

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

2. Angry Sex–

My personal favorite. The two characters in question have a fight. A serious fight. There is yelling and harsh words are used. Feelings are hurt. Maybe one of the characters is shattered over this. She cries. They could be best friends. Maybe they hate each other. In the end, he is going to push her up against the wall and eff her brains out. Passionate, animalistic, HOT. In the end, he always takes her. His way.

They are soooo gonna do it.

They are soooo gonna do it.

3. Fanfiction–

These tend to be the online versions. They involve shows like Bones, The XFiles and CSI. Characters that have tons of sexual tension, but never resolve it on the small screen. But, on the internet, anything is possible my friend! If you want to see Mulder and Scully or Bones and Booth have smoldering sex, find one of these sites. It’s all here.

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

Hello. Want to clean more then my pool?

4. The Slow Seduction–

This can go wither way. The woman can slowly seduce the man, or vice versa. Women usually prefer the man doing the seducing. Perhaps he’s the lawn boy and she is a rich heiress on a massive estate. He does little things for her like planting her favorite flowers, smiling at her as she passes by and telling her she is beautiful. He may only be the lawn boy, but the slow seduction is killing her. She wants him and she will have him. Or, does he have her? Who cares. Let’s get to it!

It’s all about imagination people. Women thrive off of this. You want to know how to get us hot and bothered? Create one of these scenarios. Role play one out. Read up. It’s not that we won’t watch porn with you. If asked, we will. But, when we are alone, it’s much more interesting to use our minds to get us going. Romance Novels do it for us.

How can I spell this out any better than I already have? Go forth, and get some!

#23: Gossip Rags

in touchYou know you do it.

You swear you’re not going to the second you get into the checkout line. Yet, they stare back at you, mocking your resolve. Dozens of shiny covers, filled with gossipy goodness. You fold. You grab that In Touch Magazine, throw it on top of your groceries, pay and then bolt. You can’t wait to read that juicy article on the Brangelina-Jenn Aniston love triangle. You’re clearly on team-Jolie.

Wait– that’s me. Go Angie.

The Gossip Rag. The British may have invented it–but it took some good All-American know how to get it really going.

What is a Gossip Rag you ask? Why, it is the epitome of professional journalism, my friend. They are glossy magazines filled with the latest, juiciest and craziest stories about the most important people on the planet– celebrities.

And women are totally obsessed with them– the magazines AND the celebrities.

Go ahead. Go to a woman’s house. Any woman. I defy you to try and prove that this woman has no celeb magazines in her home. Check the magazine rack. Check the coffee table. The end tables. Check everywhere. Lastly– check the Bathroom. That’s usually where the celeb gossip gold is. If she hasn’t bought a Rag in awhile, she sure as shit has borrowed one from a friend at some point. If you can’t find one anywhere in the house, then she is clearly ashamed and hiding them, or she has a social disorder. Either way, somethings up. She might be crazy.

Get out of there. Quickly.

Tabloid-Whores.

Tabloid-Whores.

Why is it that women buy this crap? Why do we care if Heidi Montag-Pratt posed in Playboy and found Jesus all in the same day? Why do we care if JLo dropped the baby weight? Why in the hell do we care about Jenn Aniston and her obvious dating/commitment issues? Why do we want to see stars without their makeup?

Dude– it’s really simple. If the stars are that screwed up, then we can all feel better about our little and insignificant lives.

(We are insignificant. They are Gods. Why can’t you understand this?)

All of the stars are clearly basket cases. At least, all of the ones that reside between the pages of these awesome excuses for magazines. If you are a celebrity and you are not in there, you might be dead in Hollywood. Your days are numbered. Quick! Go to a club, get smashed and hang out with Lindsay Lohan. Maybe you can drive on the wrong side of the road and get pulled over. Hit Lindsay in the face while your being arrested. There you go. You’re back on track kiddo. Say hello to a mediocre film about aliens.

Now, the Gossip Rags are not just in magazine form. Of course not! We live in a media-celeb-frenzied society. We have TV versions of gossip and the internet. Sweet, sweet internet. Now, I can check up on the latest gossip right at work, whenever I feel like it. That way, I won’t have a meltdown when I want to check in on my best friend…err, I mean…favorite celebrity. I need pictures of Katie Holmes right now! I want to know how big Suri is! I’ll check TMZ. com.

Ahhhh, crisis averted.

TV is just as good. With shows like Entertainment Tonight (the touchstone of

E! TV hostess to the stars-- and our hearts.

E! TV hostess to the stars-- and our hearts.

celeb reporting), E!, and Access Hollywood, I can be plugged into my favorite gossip 24-7. It’s a beautiful thing.

Look, it’s only natural that women love to gossip. It’s in our genetic makeup or something. As a woman, I love to gossip about people that I deem cooler than me or people that clearly love themselves. The whole Judgment thing again applies here. If we can collectively gossip about celebrities and how they are ‘so weird’ or ‘so bitchy,’ women are going to relish in that act.

The favorite celeb/gossip magazines are as follows:

  1. In Touch — This one is cheap. Women love cheap. $1.99 baby.
  2. Life & Style — Again, cheap. They have a style section too. Fun.
  3. People — The Entertainment Tonight of Gossip Rags. Touchstone baby.
  4. Us Weekly — They love relationship drama. And Speidi. Gross.
  5. Star — This one used to be tabloid-esque. Still is, but now more reliable after they broke the John Edwards story. Journalism gold here!

I have bought/borrowed/read while checking out each of these. Therefore, I am probably supporting several reality TV celebutants–but who cares really? I know the truth about these people and it’s not always pretty. Based on my research (as I check out) I have concluded the following:

  • Jon and Kate hate their kids
  • Jenn Aniston will die a shrew
  • Lindsay Lohan will die before the age of 30
  • Teen actors are going to destroy us all
  • Brad and Angie are actually living saints
  • Matthew McConaughey loves weed and exercising shirtless

Let’s check back on my assumptions over the course of this blog and see what turns out to be true. I’m going with 100%.

Trust me. I am an expert.