Tag Archives: Brad Pitt

#36: Ryan Gosling

Hey Girl.

Hey Girl. Riots, not Diets.

Hey Girl. Riots, not Diets.

Caution. Ryan Gosling uttering these words into any woman’s quivering ears may lead to a complete and total psychological break. Hell, just looking at him melts me into a pile of stupid. If I met him, I’d certainly look like a stalker. Or an imbecile. Probably an imbecile.

The simple truth is, Ryan Gosling is the perfect man. He oozes a combination of sex appeal and sensitivity that no mere mortal can reproduce. He can make a 1990s goatee/pirate beard seem cool again. Aaarrg! He worked an awesome scorpion jacket in Drive. An effing scorpion jacket. He wears Levis like they were meant to sit on those perfect, muscular, cut hips. Look at those eyes. I know you want to. He’s like a puppy dog. A puppy dog that needs a home. A puppy dog that needs a home and a female companion that can love him. Change him. Caress him. Adore him.

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you saying something important?

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you saying something important?

What? Oh, I’m sorry. I think I just blacked out. What were we talking about? Sex? No? Ah, yes. I remember now. Mr. Gosling. So, technically sex was the correct answer. Suck it.

The thing is, many of Hollywood’s elite males get women going for all of the right reasons. Brad Pitt was Numero Uno for most women for an entire decade (Just a note: I was totally Team Angie). Bradley Cooper is also delightful. The dude speaks French. Fluently. That’s pretty hard to contend with. But Ryan? This guy is different. He gets us. He understands our wants, needs and desires. He wants to make women happy. All women. There’s an entire feminist blog  that proves this point. I swear.

I’ll pretty much see any movie this man is in. He’s batting at about a 99% on the awesome scale anyway. One word: Drive. I don’t care what the man does after that film. Perfection. Ryan Gosling spends most of the film without dialog, yet he says so much. I think it was something like, “Hey girl. I saw you over there looking sad. Want a hug? I’ll take you for a ride in my car. Smile.” Side note though, where in the hell was his Oscar nomination? The Academy saw fit to nominate (and choose) a Frenchman, but they never recognized a classic American-God-like- wonderboy, with acting chops to match? I should have known The Academy was full of shit after Crash won the Oscar. I effing hate the Oscars. Dicks.

Everyone needs this jacket.

Every man needs this jacket. I’m not joking.

That brings me to Blue Valentine. Admission: I thought Blue Valentine was going to be a romance. A fucking romance. I was  profoundly wrong in this assumption. I’m possibly retarded. Still, Gosling made this two-hour Odyssey of Depression bearable. Spoiler Alert: This movie is not happy. Not at all. I felt gutted afterward. I wanted to drink. Then cry. Then drink again. If that’s not your cup of tea, look away. Run. Don’t look back. Just, sprint.

But ladies, if you value your life, please don’t bring up The Notebook around me. While Ryan is adorable in it (I can call him Ryan because he understands me), I’d rather remove my eyeballs with a spoon than sit through something that Nicholas Sparks is responsible for. OMFG he sucks balls. While I’ll admit that The Notebook is probably his strongest…um… novel, it doesn’t mean too much when your life’s work is a steaming pile of shit.

I’m clearly off track. Back to business.

I’m pretty sure Ryan Gosling is here to stay for the long haul. He just wants us to love him and accept him for who he is. No strings attached. He’s all man. All real. Perfection. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel the urge to watch old episodes of Goosebumps. Yep. I went there. I bet you thought I’d bring up The Mickey Mouse Club. Guess you were wrong. Boom.

And gentlemen: Try the scorpion jacket. For realz.

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#18: Vampires

vampireVampires.

Totally sexy, right? I mean…who doesn’t want Brad Pitt to glamour your ass and then eat you right up? I can say that I would volunteer. I might die, but I’ll do it with the most amazing grin on my face. You hear that Angelina? Step off.

I must emphasize that women don’t necessarily enjoy the ‘death’ thing when it comes to vampires. We like the lust factor. Essentially, vampires are a metaphor for sex. And romance. Ok, ok–we get it– they’ll eat you. It won’t be pleasant. Yada, yada, yada. But damn, are they sexy. I mean, they bite. Right in the areas women like to be bitten in. You name it, they’ll bite you. Neck, thigh, wrist. I can continue– but it’ll get nasty.

Women relish these types of creatures. Vampires flatter you, wine and dine you, seduce you, and then sexualize you as they feast on your entire body. For hours. And hours. It’s like a wonderful dream that will never be realized in real life.  Perhaps women are looking for this experience on some level. Take note gentlemen.

I also end that thought with a ‘No shit, Sherlock.’

Below is a short list of vampire movies/TV/books that show off the ‘sexy’ factor. Not one of these movies/TV/books focuses on the gross vamp featured in shitty movies like 30 Days of Night. Not sexy. Gross. Women do not dig on those vampires. Ew.

1. Twilight

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

They're just 'kissing'. I swear.

This one is a big No-Brainer. What female doesn’t want a gorgeous immortal to fall helplessly in love with you and save your life every other day? These books actually make abstinence appear to be cool. I say that with absolutely no sarcasm. Really. Seriously.

His skin is shiny. Like diamonds. He is ridiculously beautiful. He can drive really fast without killing you. He can run like an Olympian on steroids and read your mind. A man that can read minds ladies– this is what we’ve been waiting for for centuries! Edward is the ultimate man. Except that he isn’t a man. He is a vampire that doesn’t eat people. He eats animals. But–He will eat you if he slips up. That could be a big negative. Women do like to live. Also, you might need to watch your pets pretty carefully.

2. True  Blood

Like most women, I am a bit ashamed to have become a fan of this one. It is cheesy. Anna Paquin’s southern accent  is probably one of the worst ones I have ever heard in my life. And most of the actors need serious coaching. But the sex saves it. Correction– the sexy Vampires save it.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

Man-chin and vamp boyfriend.

First we have Stephen Moyer. Now, Bill (his character) may not be the hottest man on the planet, but he is head over heels in love with the human Sookie (Anna-man chin-Paquin). That, in itself, is sexy. Everyday, he is having an internal fight to avoid the killing of a human being. He hates what he is and attempts to redeem himself through her. If there is one thing that a woman loves, it’s being a man’s saving grace. “I can save him” or “I can fix him” are our favorite phrases. It’s a Pavlovian response. Ring that bell and we come a ‘runnin’.

He also saves her life all of the time. That gives women the dreamy-eyed look.

He totally wants me.

He totally wants me.

Then there is Eric, the Swede Vampire. I love him. Seriously– I will run away with him if he asks me to. This is the bad-boy vamp. The one that will love you and then drop you like a bad habit. Drop you in the ‘he will eat you’ kind of way. Nevertheless, he is delicious. Seriously. His character doesn’t give a flying crap what anyone really thinks and he lusts after Sookie too. I am still trying to figure that fact out–it must be the man-chin. Either way, I find her icky.

Eric, or whatever your real name is– if you are reading this, give me a call and we’ll chat. Smooches.

3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

Good God--he can bite me whenev.

David Boreanaz? A forbidden romance? Witty dialogue? David Boreanaz?

This is all I need to have happy Television.

HOT

HOT

4. Underworld This one is more of a man-flick, but as a lady I can honestly say that I enjoy it. Who doesn’t want to see Kate Beckingsdale in vinyl? She is my female crush. She is H-O-T. No one can dispute this fact.

In this movie (I can’t say film here. It does not qualify), vampires are depicted as an elite upper class. They are all beautiful, all sexy, all rich, and all ruthless. Throw in some Kate Beckingsdale and Scott Speedman fighting Werewolves and you’ve got yourself some entertainment. Pretty people a vampire movie do make.

Me likey. Where do I sign up?

5. Interview with the Vampire

Yep. She's about to die.

Yep. She's about to die.

I’ve never found Tom Cruise attractive. Never. He’s a little elf man who can act. But, it was in this movie that I was in awe of his sexuality. As Lestat, he smoldered. He would woo women, kiss them, nibble at them, and then suck them dry. Dirty, sexy, evil and ruthless. Women love that. He had no remorse. He was just Lestat.

And then there is Brad Pitt. Correction– a brooding, sad Brad Pitt. What

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

So sad. I want to 'help' him.

woman doesn’t love that? He has puppy dog eyes the entire movie. Like Bill in True Blood, Louis (Pitt) hates what he has become and hates Lestat for it. He tries to resist the urge to feed, but he can’t. He is lonely, self-loathing and gorgeous. You add the ambiance of early 1800s New Orleans decadence and the movie basically floats along dreamily.

This is a film.

Women love romance. Women love sex. Women love the bad-boy. Therefore, women love vampires. It’s pretty simple.

So which vamp is most do-able? Discuss.