Tag Archives: crafts

#31: Crafts

I know what you’re thinking guys.

Not my lady. That’s the kind of lame and inane shit my mother is into. My lady would never stoop to loving crafts.

Let me ask you this question then: Has your girl ever scrapbooked? Last winter, did she take up knitting? Did she crochet you some sort of silly hat? Has she ever decoupaged a picture frame of the two of you– with jewels or hearts or glitter? Well, that bitch went to Michaels. I rest my case.

The Gateway to Hell. It's just a few steps more to Kirklands.

We are all guilty of a secret or not-so-secret love of crafts. I was a scrapbooking ninja in High School. I have even considered taking it up again now that I have kids. It’s the realization that I would have to walk into those stores to get what I needed– the thought makes me shudder. You know the ones. Rows and rows of fake flowers. Glitter. A framing section. The smell of potpourri lingering in the air. My husband calls these stores the Gateways to Hell. I call them Michaels, Homegoods, Joanne Fabrics or Hobby Lobby.

These stores are filled with women looking to get ‘crafty.’ See? Craft even has a verb use. These women come in many shapes, sizes, backgrounds and age groups. The older ones scare me. They’ll cut you to get to that polyester flower print fabric. They can be pretty spry when it comes to fabric. Just try and grab it. C-U-T you.

Even if you are one of the few females that hate these stores–as well as the lonely souls that wander them–all ladies can all agree that craft fairs/festivals are awesome.

I mean, who doesn’t want to wander a large suburban park area on a hot afternoon, busily searching for wicker chairs whilst downing a funnel cake? Not only are there rows and rows of craft booths for miles, but we are also treated to music, food and dance. Clogging anyone? I’m there. Don’t those little girls look precious? Forget the fact that they are totally out of sync. Those skirts get me every time! Darling. Plus, I can shop for things like pine cone bird feeders, a sign that says ‘Santa Stop Here!’ or even handmade PJs. These things are amazing. I think my husband likes them too. If I am honest with myself, I know he’s there for the food.

Cotton candy anyone? BBQ?

So, what counts as a Craft? A litany of things, my friend.

  1. Scrapbooking. I’m sorry, but it qualifies. You use scissors, glue and stickers. That’s right, I said it.
  2. Making Soap. Don’t fool yourself Hippie. While you are trying to save the world by creating biodegradable soap, you were being crafty.
  3. Knitting or Crochet. Yes it’s a hobby. A sad, lonely hobby. Let me ask you something. Do you participate in these activities with other people? Really? That’s what I thought. Sad and lonely. (I do love my scarves though, mom.)
  4. Cross-stitching or any other needle and thread activity. My mother tried to get me into this when I was younger. Ugh.
  5. Food related gifts. Yes, thank you for the complete cookie mix in a jar. It was awesome. What? Oh yeah, and the salsa too. What’s that? Did I use them? Totally. (As I am digging through my pantry, searching for them.)

    Food of The Crafting Gods. Friend of Man.

  6. Ceramics, woodcarving, etc. The producers of Ghost called. They want to remind you that you are NOT Demi Moore.

There are certainly others. I am open to suggestions and comments.

So, when your lady asks if you want to go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, understand that while she may deny it, she is totally in to the crafts. Just agree to go.

There will be a funnel cake in it for you.