#27: Titanic

I wish they would fall.

Dude.

Near, far, wherever you are (I’m at the bottom of the ocean you splintered-board hogging bitch), I believe that the heart does go on.

There are so many cliches in Titanic– it seems women are just destined to love this movie.

“I’m the King of the World?” Celine Dion? Tragic Love?

Yep. It’s all here.

Thanks must be given to James Cameron for this gem. Women across the universe lined up to witness a story about Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and a boat. Women swooned, cried and fainted. They saw the film 10,11,12 times each. It is the highest grossing film of all time. Thanks to women.

Men, on the other hand; men loathe this movie. All males may love Aliens, The Terminator and The Abyss–but I’m not sure if James Cameron will ever be forgiven by the countless souls that were dragged to the theatre by their significant others to see this sap fest.

It’s been like, 12 years and I am still trying to figure this whole thing out. This Titanic thing. I saw it in high school. To me, it seemed like a 3 hour soap opera until the damn boat sank. The most memorable scene was the propeller guy. You know what I’m talking about. That had to hurt. I exhaled cherry coke out of my nose I laughed so hard. Perhaps I have no empathy. Carrying on…

What makes this film work? What elements made it an utter hypnotic cash cow for James Cameron? It’s a tragic love story with pretty dresses and Leo DiCaprio. That’s all ladies need. Still, there are elements that seem so oddly placed, I can’t get past them.

1. Casting

Let me first begin with Leonardo DiCaprio and  Kate Winslet. For starters, Leo may not have been the best choice for the hero. He weighed all of 100  pounds in 1997 and he still has a head the size of a watermelon. Put him next to Kate Winslet and he looks like a 15 year old boy lusting after his teacher–even if Kate was all of 22 when she made the film. Let’s face it–she was a voluptuous gal. I don’t know if Leo’s character (Jack for the idiots) could handle all that lovin’.

Ew.

Then there was Billy Zane. What the hell is up with him and scary boat movies? If you’ve seen Dead Calm, you know what I’m talking about. And–is he wearing eyeliner? Is that a toupe? Jesus he gives me the creeps. I will give him this: Great villain. He does scare me. Still, if he bought me The Heart of the Ocean, I would marry him and then have numerous affairs. I like sparkly things. Just sayin’…

2. Theme Song

Did anyone else want to strangle the Irish girl ahhhing in the background the entire effing movie? Maybe that was just me…

Why does she hit herself?

Enter Celine Dion. Sure, she was a star in her own right by then–but Titanic allowed her to take off to megastardom. My Heart Will Go On was an enormous success. I sang the shit out of that song my junior year in high school. Every woman on the planet was singing and beating the crap out of their chest, trying to imitate her. She seriously needs to eat. I want to force-feed her a pizza or just a simple sandwich.

Thanks Titanic. Thank you for that Canadian stick figure that married her Dad…uh I mean, manager.

3. Love Story

I don’t know if I buy it. There. I said it.

4. Obvious and Blatant Comparison of Rich and Poor

Rich people have no soul. Poor people love to dance and feel alive. Fuck rich people.

5. Death Scene(s)

Some scenes that were meant to be horrible ended up being heeelarious.

• Fabrizio (Jack’s buddy) getting hit and killed by the smokestack. Awesome.
• The Propeller Guy–already discussed.
• 

  Move over fatty!

  Jack Dawson- The hero of our story. He and Kate make it. They are in the water, waiting for rescue. They find a large board to rest on. For some reason, that bitch doesn’t share any space. At all. And so Jack freezes to death. ‘Thank you poor boy that drew me naked and had sex with me–thank you for dying and letting me sleep on the floating board. I didn’t know that you wanted to share. Ooopps. My bad. Now, let me pry your frozen, dead hand from mine and watch you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Never Let Go Jack! Yeah, thanks.’

• Old Lady Rose- Who in the hell throws away a multi-million dollar shiny thing? Dude. At least hand it off to your granddaughter you B. Then you can die.

That’s all I have for now. I get it– women loved this movie. Love story with a tragic ending, yada yada yada. A tragic ending that you knew would happen because we ALL knew that the boat sank. Cause the boat sinking actually happened. In 1912. It’s History. You all know that, right?

I liked it when I saw it.

I was 16.

If it’s still on your Facebook fav movies list– I question your maturity and taste. By the way– James Cameron? You are a total Douchebag.

I still don’t forgive you.