Tag Archives: lists

#32: Underwear

Oh yeah.

This is one thing that both men and women can agree on: The Panty. It can be sweet, cute, useful, naughty and downright sexy, all wrapped up in one little lacy package.

Women love to shop for underwear. We will spend exorbitant amounts of money on all sorts of items meant to cover our lady parts. We become zombies– unable to control our credit cards. Look at Victoria’s Secret. What the hell is Ms. Victoria’s damn secret anyway? I submit that it is her ability to make women spend stupid amounts of money on underwear that will never make us look like Heidi Klum. That’s a pretty good secret. Can someone explain that one to me? I would like to look like Ms. Klum whist wearing a lacy bra and cheeky panties, yet I fail everytime. I call false advertising there. Victoria, I’m coming for you.

Just like alcoholic goodies, a man can usually tell what he is getting into when the panties are finally revealed to him in a drunken state. You see a girl in her knickers– you see who she really is.

Let me explain:

High School hookers. They'll make GREAT mothers one day.

1. The Thong/G-String

Have I said ick yet? Either this girl is a high school/college student or she gets around the block. Ladies, these contraptions serve no purpose other than dressing up in the bedroom. Your man likes ’em? Knock them out at home! Do a little dance for your man. Let him play with them. He probably loves them. Just don’t wear them everyday. That’s gross.

Frankly, they are unsanitary.

You know how you don’t like panty lines and that’s your excuse to wear this piece of butt floss? Yeah, we figured out your secret. I bet we can also guess how old and inexperienced you are. Newsflash: We can still see the lines. And instead of mocking the lines that are visible under your inappropriate dress, we are just calling you a slut.

These are H-O-T.

2. Granny Panties

If these are your cup of tea, you are either one of 3 things:

  • Old
  • Socially retarded
  • On your period

There are no other excuses to wear this shit. What if you were in a car crash and the ambulance driver had to strip you down? What if he was hot? Think about it.

They do make your booty look fly...

3. Boy shorts/Cheeky Panties

Chicks that wear these are usually the ones boys like to hang out with– but not date until everyone is a bit older. She’s the girl-next-door type. She’s probably the friend that was a virgin the longest.

Just sayin’.

Either way, this chick is cool. Scoop her up before that gross thong-wearing bitch. She probably won’t cheat on you, she likes football and she’s a tiger in the sack. Think about it: Boy shorts are cute, sexy and still have that tomboy edge. Score.

See? Legs of a goddess.

4. Bikinis

These chicks have rocking bodies and know this. You cannot get away with these panties unless you have a smokin’ booty and great legs. I’m not sure about her personality, but look at it this way:

  • They are not thongs, which makes her cooler than those hookers
  • She’s probably a bit older and more experienced than those hookers
  • She has a great body

What do you have to lose?

They ALL go commando. Need I say more?

5. Commando

Yes. Chicks can and do go commando. Sometimes you just have to. Every chick has and probably still does at some point out of necessity.

It does solve the panty line issue most of the time.

Some chicks just prefer it.Those chicks are dirty, dirty girls and don’t care what you think.

How can you spot one of these trailblazing soldiers? It’s pretty easy. When she is wearing a form fitting dress, do you see panty lines? No? Commando. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Easy, eh?

That’s pretty much the gist of it right there. If you are getting naked with a lady friend, you now know one of our secrets. Go forth and conquer, knowing who that woman is. All you need to do is look at her undies.

Cheers.