Tag Archives: ramblings

#33: Sex Parties

No, not the orgy kind. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I’m talking about several girls, coming together to discuss, view and buy sex toys (and other various objects of interest). Still kinky, but not in the way you were hoping.

You Pervert.

Most commonly known as the Pure Romance parties, the whole idea is to get together, get ridiculously drunk and then talk about sex. Openly. Without inhibition. Believe it or not, it can be quite refershing to know that your best friend’s mom is just as interested in that cute little vibrator as you are. Weird, but refreshing. Why, you ask? It’s actually a pretty simple concept.

When women are growing up and developing their, well, lady parts– there is this whole idea that we are supposed to be pure, innocent– For lack of a better term– virgins— until we get married. It’s all we hear. It’s psychologically deafening. During puberty, if a girl is remotely interested in the big ‘S,’ her parents might have a coronary in front of her– simultaneously. Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be pretty. We were discouraged from discovering things about our bodies that we actually had the right to know. Ever wonder why most women don’t orgasm during the deed? Yeah– blame society. While it is a-ok for a male to strut about and get his jollies off as soon as he discovers a wayward boner, girls are not so lucky. It sometimes takes us years to undo that damage.

Enter the Pure Romance idea.

Pure genius.

Imagine your mom doing this. Hysterical.

This company actually figured out how to capitalize on our repressed sexuality. It’s a great formula: Place 15 of your closest friends in a room. Add alcohol. Add vibrators, lotions, costumes and any other items you see fit- and you have one hell a party. Even better: men can’t come. At all. (Pardon the pun) That way, we can be completely open about what we like and want. I went to one a few weeks ago. I was astonished. Sometimes I am under the assumption that I am a sexual freak. I mean–crazy stuff. But after watching women inspect vibrators as closely as they would inspect a new car– and actually discuss the merits of one over the other– it was women’s lib all over again. I wasn’t the only freak in the room. In fact, my friend’s mom might be a bigger freak than me. While disturbed at this discovery, I was still impressed at that party’s ability to get women talking. We were actually talking about what works and what doesn’t work for us. We discussed why this vibrator would work and that one wouldn’t. We joked about lotions and costumes. We considered weird items like rotating vibrators and c$#@ rings. Most importantly, we didn’t feel like complete skanks for doing so. It was awesome.

If only we had that freedom as we were developing– no man would ever resist us after all those extra years of practice!

Can you imagine something similar for men? It would be hysterical. Picture this: beer, TV and a traveling porn salesmen. I mean, why have a group or men over when you can just have a date with the computer? (That and actually watching porn in a big man-group is a creepy.)

I actually think that women are more open about their sexuality than men are in general. Maybe we are just getting it out of our system, but the things I tell my girlfriends regarding my sex life would make any man blush.

I bet you want to know what I bought, don’t you? I will say this: I spent $68 dollars and it was well worth it. Ask my husband. He’ll basically tell you to let your lady go to the sex party. She’s buying it for you anyway.

Cheers.

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#32: Underwear

Oh yeah.

This is one thing that both men and women can agree on: The Panty. It can be sweet, cute, useful, naughty and downright sexy, all wrapped up in one little lacy package.

Women love to shop for underwear. We will spend exorbitant amounts of money on all sorts of items meant to cover our lady parts. We become zombies– unable to control our credit cards. Look at Victoria’s Secret. What the hell is Ms. Victoria’s damn secret anyway? I submit that it is her ability to make women spend stupid amounts of money on underwear that will never make us look like Heidi Klum. That’s a pretty good secret. Can someone explain that one to me? I would like to look like Ms. Klum whist wearing a lacy bra and cheeky panties, yet I fail everytime. I call false advertising there. Victoria, I’m coming for you.

Just like alcoholic goodies, a man can usually tell what he is getting into when the panties are finally revealed to him in a drunken state. You see a girl in her knickers– you see who she really is.

Let me explain:

High School hookers. They'll make GREAT mothers one day.

1. The Thong/G-String

Have I said ick yet? Either this girl is a high school/college student or she gets around the block. Ladies, these contraptions serve no purpose other than dressing up in the bedroom. Your man likes ’em? Knock them out at home! Do a little dance for your man. Let him play with them. He probably loves them. Just don’t wear them everyday. That’s gross.

Frankly, they are unsanitary.

You know how you don’t like panty lines and that’s your excuse to wear this piece of butt floss? Yeah, we figured out your secret. I bet we can also guess how old and inexperienced you are. Newsflash: We can still see the lines. And instead of mocking the lines that are visible under your inappropriate dress, we are just calling you a slut.

These are H-O-T.

2. Granny Panties

If these are your cup of tea, you are either one of 3 things:

  • Old
  • Socially retarded
  • On your period

There are no other excuses to wear this shit. What if you were in a car crash and the ambulance driver had to strip you down? What if he was hot? Think about it.

They do make your booty look fly...

3. Boy shorts/Cheeky Panties

Chicks that wear these are usually the ones boys like to hang out with– but not date until everyone is a bit older. She’s the girl-next-door type. She’s probably the friend that was a virgin the longest.

Just sayin’.

Either way, this chick is cool. Scoop her up before that gross thong-wearing bitch. She probably won’t cheat on you, she likes football and she’s a tiger in the sack. Think about it: Boy shorts are cute, sexy and still have that tomboy edge. Score.

See? Legs of a goddess.

4. Bikinis

These chicks have rocking bodies and know this. You cannot get away with these panties unless you have a smokin’ booty and great legs. I’m not sure about her personality, but look at it this way:

  • They are not thongs, which makes her cooler than those hookers
  • She’s probably a bit older and more experienced than those hookers
  • She has a great body

What do you have to lose?

They ALL go commando. Need I say more?

5. Commando

Yes. Chicks can and do go commando. Sometimes you just have to. Every chick has and probably still does at some point out of necessity.

It does solve the panty line issue most of the time.

Some chicks just prefer it.Those chicks are dirty, dirty girls and don’t care what you think.

How can you spot one of these trailblazing soldiers? It’s pretty easy. When she is wearing a form fitting dress, do you see panty lines? No? Commando. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Easy, eh?

That’s pretty much the gist of it right there. If you are getting naked with a lady friend, you now know one of our secrets. Go forth and conquer, knowing who that woman is. All you need to do is look at her undies.

Cheers.

#29: Wine

wine drinkerLet me be clear right off of the bat:

Do I love wine? Yes. Does it get me schnockered? Yep. Do I know a lot about wine? Nope. Do I care? Hell no.

I just like that I look classy while drinking it.

It’s the perfect drink.

This has been the trend in recent years. More and more women who love to drink but are just tired of cheap beer or crappy Jamaican rum that tastes like a tube of Banana Boat sunscreen exploded into your rocks glass. Ick.

Yes, liquor is quicker. It is also more expensive. It can also make you look trashy. Ladies– we do not want to appear trashy. Hide that aspect of your personality at all costs. (One also must note that the beer/liquor combo can be a devastating one if not handled properly. What was it again? Beer before liquor….)How many ladies have you seen flash the bar after a few too many Chardonnays? Now go back and count the numerous instances in which the bar was flashed after Tequilla shots?

Case closed.

Look, we’ve all seen the more, well, mature ladies get frisky after the vino. My point rests with the younger crowd. That crowd is attempting to appear more mature without actually achieving that goal.

Setting all of this aside, any woman with a wine glass in hand looks cool as shit. Red or white she looks like she knows what she is doing. Hell, it could be Franzia, but if she’s owning it…well, you go girl. It’s an image thing. A lady drinking wine looks like she knows what she wants. She looks smarter. She looks successful. She looks desirable.

She looks sexy.

When I drink wine I feel inherently sexy. The way I hold the glass, the way I sip the wine, the smell of the wine…I could be rocking a sweatsuit covered in baby spit up but in my mind, I look (and smell) like Heidi Klum.

While I can’t speak for the men out there, to me, a woman slowly nursing a glass of Pinot Noir looks much sexier than that idiot in the tube top downstairs shooting Jager. She might be able to hang, she might be easy– but can she spell Jager? Ask her to try. It would be awesome. To top that off, tell her that her tube top is on backward. It’ll go on for about 20 minutes and you may see some boobies.

Wine drinking ladies are also looking for the wine drinking men. It’s the key to sexual success. Not only does wine get you ridiculously hammered, it can also result in a classy man getting lucky with a classy lady. If you are drinking wine, you are classy. If you are drinking beer, you are living on borrowed time. Keep that in mind.

classy lady

Wow. She's so classy. I want to be classy too!

For the wine virgins out there, stick with easy wines so you don’t take a sip of Cabernet and choke on it like a total retard.

Note: If I so much as catch your ass drinking some shit like White Merlot, or White Zinfandel– you are dead to me. I may not know a lot about wine but I do know you can’t be trusted.

Put down the glass. Refill with Pinot. Strike a pose. Rehearse why you are drinking that wine. Sniff wine, swirl wine, drink wine.

It’s on.

You stay classy lady wine drinkers.

#28: The Bad Boy

edI can save him. I can change him.

I swear. All he needs is the love of a good woman. That woman is obviously me.

In all seriousness, this tape will play through a woman’s clouded mind at least once in her little life. Probably more than once.

The appeal of the Bad Boy to the average woman can be completely befuddling to the average man. Why is it that women will stay with these jokers when they cheat, beat people up, smoke, drink, throw phones and otherwise are total douchebags? Cause They are extremely hot. Those chiseled cheek bones, the cigarette, messy hair, leather pants and philandering nature are all appealing. He won’t be that way forever silly. He just needs my undivided attention, love and loyalty. I can change him; make him a better man. One day he will realize that I am the one.

Duh.  It’s Science.

This concept really irritates my husband. “Why in the hell do women do this to themselves?” he questions– looking to me for an answer. Honestly? I don’t really have a good one. The Bad Boy is just so damn sexy. Maybe he’s the guy ladies  get all naughty with but never marry. Is that his role? To be a sexual teacher? I married a nice guy (who, mind you, is also a sexual tiger), my friends married nice guys. In general, those that married a Bad Boy are now divorced or headed that way.

Maybe that is it. Bad Boy= Sexual experience (sans strings). Maybe it’s just the fantasy of it all.

Let us discuss some fictional and non-fictional examples, shall we?

Hey Preppie.

Hey Preppie.

1. AC Slater (The Clean Bad Boy)

This is the PG Bad Boy.

He’s the Bad Boy to Zack Morris’ insipid California boy. He was, for many my age, the first real Bad Boy we were secretly coveting. I know that Mario Lopez is a total douche. I didn’t know this when I was 12 and strangely attracted to the guy that threatened to beat up Screech and danced in a leotard. I bet he could of taught Kelly Kapowski a thing or two about Sexual Education. Besides– the Jheri Curl mullet was amazing.

Take off your shirt and stop talking.

Take off your shirt and stop talking.

2. Sawyer (Bad Boy with a Heart)

What woman doesn’t want to spend months on a magic island with a shirtless Southern boy who breaks all of the rules? I mean, good God. Sawyer is the ultimate example of the Southern Bad boy. He puts the fat guy down, drinks, shoots guns, sleeps with the hot chick– did I mention he is usually shirtless? To top that off, he is heeelariously sarcastic.

The thing about Sawyer that is so appealing (setting aside his six-pack), is that although he is seriously flawed (which the right girl can ‘fix’), he has convictions. He has a heart. He shows it rarely, but when he does, women everywhere swoon. We are so effing dumb.

I love guns.

I love guns.

3. T.I. (Reformed Bad Boy)

I kind of want to ravage him.

Sure, he went to jail for a year after being caught with semi-automatic weapons, automatic weapons and silencers. Perhaps someone failed to mention to him the illegality of that particular purchase? He was probably going to kill someone. They probably had it coming.

Then, he got caught. Then, he reformed.

Hell, he had a whole record about how he had changed. He won awards for it! He Rocked the Vote. He spoke out against violence. See? Proof that Bad Boys can change. It wasn’t about getting a lighter sentence. Quit being so negative. He might shoot you.

Yep. He can eat me. I said it.

Yep. He can eat me. I said it.

4. Eric Northman (Evil Bad Boy)

Uh…I know I’ve mentioned him before– but damn.

He will straight murder your ass. He will not love you. He will eat you. He may have sex with you but then you will be his lunch. Let me just be the first to say that if I’m going to die, I’m okay with going that way.

Alan Ball and Charlaine Harris(True Blood Creators) came up with this Bad Boy character with no real redeemable qualities. He just is, simply, a Bad Boy. By this I mean he’s a killer. And it is really hot. A good woman might not be able to change him, but she will sure as hell die trying.

Dirty Hot.

Dirty Hot.

5. Colin Farrell (King of the Bad Boys)

What can I say here?

Irish? Check. Smoker? Check. Bad Mouth? Check. Sex Tape with a huge Wanker? Check. Man Whore? Check.

H-O-T.

May I present, Colin Farrell. The Ultimate Bad Boy.

I think that as we grow up and become more experienced sexually women begin to understand that the basic Bad Boy is not a keeper. Maybe we learn to use him like he uses us. I think that most of us just wish we had figured it out when we were younger so that we could maximize his usefullness– that whole ‘Sexual Teacher’ thing.

The truth is, you can’t change a Bad Boy. I blame Hollywood for making us think we can. It’s just stupid.

Take the Bad Boy for what he is–a blip on your sexual radar. No stings, no hearts broken.

Thoughts?

#27: Titanic

I wish they would fall.

I wish they would fall.

Dude.

Near, far, wherever you are (I’m at the bottom of the ocean you splintered-board hogging bitch), I believe that the heart does go on.

There are so many cliches in Titanic– it seems women are just destined to love this movie.

“I’m the King of the World?” Celine Dion? Tragic Love?

Yep. It’s all here.

Thanks must be given to James Cameron for this gem. Women across the universe lined up to witness a story about Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and a boat. Women swooned, cried and fainted. They saw the film 10,11,12 times each. It is the highest grossing film of all time. Thanks to women.

Men, on the other hand; men loathe this movie. All males may love Aliens, The Terminator and The Abyss–but I’m not sure if James Cameron will ever be forgiven by the countless souls that were dragged to the theatre by their significant others to see this sap fest.

It’s been like, 12 years and I am still trying to figure this whole thing out. This Titanic thing. I saw it in high school. To me, it seemed like a 3 hour soap opera until the damn boat sank. The most memorable scene was the propeller guy. You know what I’m talking about. That had to hurt. I exhaled cherry coke out of my nose I laughed so hard. Perhaps I have no empathy. Carrying on…

What makes this film work? What elements made it an utter hypnotic cash cow for James Cameron? It’s a tragic love story with pretty dresses and Leo DiCaprio. That’s all ladies need. Still, there are elements that seem so oddly placed, I can’t get past them.

1. Casting

Let me first begin with Leonardo DiCaprio and  Kate Winslet. For starters, Leo may not have been the best choice for the hero. He weighed all of 100  pounds in 1997 and he still has a head the size of a watermelon. Put him next to Kate Winslet and he looks like a 15 year old boy lusting after his teacher–even if Kate was all of 22 when she made the film. Let’s face it–she was a voluptuous gal. I don’t know if Leo’s character (Jack for the idiots) could handle all that lovin’.

Ew.

Ew.

Then there was Billy Zane. What the hell is up with him and scary boat movies? If you’ve seen Dead Calm, you know what I’m talking about. And–is he wearing eyeliner? Is that a toupe? Jesus he gives me the creeps. I will give him this: Great villain. He does scare me. Still, if he bought me The Heart of the Ocean, I would marry him and then have numerous affairs. I like sparkly things. Just sayin’…

2. Theme Song

Did anyone else want to strangle the Irish girl ahhhing in the background the entire effing movie? Maybe that was just me…

Why does she hit herself?

Why does she hit herself?

Enter Celine Dion. Sure, she was a star in her own right by then–but Titanic allowed her to take off to megastardom. My Heart Will Go On was an enormous success. I sang the shit out of that song my junior year in high school. Every woman on the planet was singing and beating the crap out of their chest, trying to imitate her. She seriously needs to eat. I want to force-feed her a pizza or just a simple sandwich.

Thanks Titanic. Thank you for that Canadian stick figure that married her Dad…uh I mean, manager.

3. Love Story

I don’t know if I buy it. There. I said it.

4. Obvious and Blatant Comparison of Rich and Poor

Rich people have no soul. Poor people love to dance and feel alive. Fuck rich people.

5. Death Scene(s)

Some scenes that were meant to be horrible ended up being heeelarious.

  • Fabrizio (Jack’s buddy) getting hit and killed by the smokestack. Awesome.
  • The Propeller Guy–already discussed.
  • Move over fatty!

    Move over fatty!

    Jack Dawson- The hero of our story. He and Kate make it. They are in the water, waiting for rescue. They find a large board to rest on. For some reason, that bitch doesn’t share any space. At all. And so Jack freezes to death. ‘Thank you poor boy that drew me naked and had sex with me–thank you for dying and letting me sleep on the floating board. I didn’t know that you wanted to share. Ooopps. My bad. Now, let me pry your frozen, dead hand from mine and watch you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Never Let Go Jack! Yeah, thanks.’

  • Old Lady Rose- Who in the hell throws away a multi-million dollar shiny thing? Dude. At least hand it off to your granddaughter you B. Then you can die.

That’s all I have for now. I get it– women loved this movie. Love story with a tragic ending, yada yada yada. A tragic ending that you knew would happen because we ALL knew that the boat sank. Cause the boat sinking actually happened. In 1912. It’s History. You all know that, right?

I liked it when I saw it.

I was 16.

If it’s still on your Facebook fav movies list– I question your maturity and taste. By the way– James Cameron? You are a total Douchebag.

I still don’t forgive you.

#26: Fancy Drinks

scrubs-JDFancy Drinks.

It amazes me that we will starve ourselves to be thin yet we will never hesitate to down drinks in pink, green, blue, or yellow hues– doused in an unbelievable amount of sugar and calories.

Pop a piece of fruit on it and we’re there.

I used to be a bartender. I know. Drinks are an indicator of a woman’s personality. Gentleman, if you can find a woman that is down with Bourbon and a mixer, marry her. She’s a keeper. If she can’t do anything but sip on a Daquiri–she is a questionable human being at best.

And so I present, the typical Fancy Drinks women love–and what that drink says about the women that drink it.

Here it goes…

Gross.

Gross.

The Margarita

This is the “I don’t give a shit about myself” drink.

Loaded in salt, sugar, and some yellow/green shit, it is the ultimate party starter in any Mexican restaurant. Let’s face it, most people that order this piece of crap don’t care what kind of tequila is in it. It’s just in there. Drink up.

Between the chips, that chicken and cheese quesadilla you just scarfed down in 2.5 minutes flat and the pitcher of liquid crap you funneled, have fun with that after-effect tomorrow. Women that insist on this drink everytime they party are lonely, depressed, or downright done with caring about themselves. It’s a sad, sad drink.

I’ll drink ’em every once in awhile. I’ll say something like “I don’t give a shit! Let’s a get a pitcher! Whoo Hoo!”

I rest my case.

Carrie loves this drink...

Carrie loves this drink...

Cosmopolitan

Cosmo for short bitches.

If you don’t know what this is, you have never seen Sex and the City. Therefore, you are not cool.

This is the ‘trendy drink.’ It’s pink, relativley low cal, and comes in a cute glass. A lady that orders this everytime she goes out wants to be The Shit. She must always look fashionable and appear to be fabulous. She judges every lady that walks in the door. She scoffs at the men looking in her direction. They are looking, you know. This is the drink for women that wish they lived in the city (any city) but are confined to the suburbs.

I effing love a good Cosmo.

So cute!

So cute!

Appletini (Zach Braff’s fav)

I used to make these like gangbustas when I bartended.

The Appletini is the bubbly girl’s answer to the Cosmo. “It’s sweet and sour! OMG!”  Green, sugary and without a hint of alcohol to taste, young drinkers love this one. It looks sophisticated but it actually isn’t. Awesome.

“I like mine with a cherry! Want to see me tie the stem into a knot with my tongue? I can do it! I swear!” Sound familiar?

This one is tasty. It is cute. It sneaks up on you. That’s the kind of lady that drinks this thing. Cute, bubbly and probably tasty. Either way, she’s high maintenance and will drive you nuts by the end of the night. This is the kind of girl that will meet a guy and declare that she loves him after about 5 more  glasses of this alien pee. Then she’ll cry when he leaves. She’ll also throw up when she gets home. Love her.

Have fun with that one.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

Beach? check. Rum? check. Depends? check.

The Daquiri/Any Frozen Drink

The old lady drink.

Picture a tropical island. Beautiful bodies on the sand, waves washing to shore. Then the middle-aged partiers show up. What are the old ladies drinking? You guessed it. Break out the rum bitches.

Look, most ladies love a good frozen, alcoholic popscicle. Delicious. They just become much more popular with age for some reason. If they aren’t drinking a frozen Margarita (see first example), bring on the Daquiri. They get drunk as crap off of these things–which amazes me because there’s hardly any alcohol in them!

Maybe it’s because rum is easy. Rum is safe. Rum is yummy. Who knows?

Word of advice–when the seniors start doing the limbo, you know it’s time to jet.

I know,  I  know. All of the drinks mentioned above are tasty. We have all consumed said drinks. There are just typical women that insist on these every single time they decide to get crazy. Break the mold! Get out of your rut! Re-invent yourself!

Just sayin’….

#25: Justin Timberlake

JTHe brought Sexy back.

He can sing, dance, write, act and improv on SNL.

He is Justin Timberlake.

Women adore him, men want to be him. He is the shit. What woman on this planet doesn’t have a tiny little crush on this man? What man doesn’t envy the fact that he is banging Jessica Biel? Bootylicious indeed. The man is like a tiny, Southern, adorable Golden God with a mean falsetto.

Justin Timberlake took what women loved about ‘Boy Bands’ and actually survived their inevitable demise in 2000. JT was a prominent member of the Boy Band 2.0’s. You know…The Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and N’Sync (Note: Boy band 1.0’s include NKOTB and Take That).

How did JT survive and come out on top when his bandmates didn’t fare so well? Setting aside the talent question, Mr. Timberlake reinvented himself.

justifiedFirst Phase: Justified A.K.A. F-U Britney Spears

He shaved off his cute, curly locks from his N’Sync years. I admit, I shed a few tears over this, but when he emerged with the short crop and the man-stubble, I fell in love with him all over again. Then Justified came out. Ladies, you remember. “Cry Me a River”?

Hooker.

That was the big F-off to the Princess of Pop and his cheating ex-girlfriend, Miss Brit Brit. Women wanted to comfort him and kill her in the same breath. Skank. Men still saluted him for tapping that before she got fat and crazy. All in all… a great start.

Second Phase: Super Bowl Sexiness

Get some.

Get some.

Justin performed at the Super Bowl. With Miss Janet. Awesome. Although halftime shows usually blow, I watched this one. About the time I got up to grab another beer and lament yet another championship for the Patriots, Janet’s booby flopped out–and Justin was the one who exposed it. It was kinda hot. I called it Titty-Gate. I’m sure there is another connotation for this event that is cleaner– but if given the choice between classy and funny, I go for humor.
You know you’re laughing.

Anyhoo, this ‘wardrobe malfunction’ was just more excuse to talk about the sexiness that was and is JT.

Step 1...

Step 1...

Third Phase: Timberlake the Actor

Like all singers, JT soon got the acting bug. The thing is, he was kind of good. Black Snake Moan was interesting. Alpha Dog had some potential. And then he did SNL in December of 2006. That was when we were all witness to the brilliance that was and still is Dick in a Box. If you have never seen said short, click here.

Oh yeah. He has gone on to do several spoofs with Andy Samberg and the cast of SNL including my personal fav, Motherlover. Geniuses.

The Trifecta of 2006-2007

The Trifecta of 2006-2007

Phase 4: Future Sex/Love Sounds–Cameron Diaz

He brought Sexy back. Women didn’t even know it was gone until we saw him strut into that club on his music video. And damn– did he bring it back! He had everyone on this album. Snoop Dog, will.i.am, and Three 6 Mafia all participated. It was amazing.

Thank you Timbaland. Thank you for working with JT and helping to nurture his true sexiness. I would thank Nelly Furtado too, but she kinda sucks.

Not only did he put an album out there that kicked ass (I still listen to it),  he did the world tour AND the HBO special. On top of that, JT started dating Cameron Diaz. Sexiness abounds.

Phase 5: Fashion, Food, Collaboration and Biel

In one short period, JT soon became a fashion icon. Hats, Skinny suits and Chucks. Delicious. He opened a few restaurants. Namely, “Southern Hospitality” in New York. He can scoop up some southern hospitality on me any damn time. JT also started collaborating. Whether is was on SNL or with Madonna, dude was everywhere. Women rejoiced.

Dayyyamn. Not fair.

Dayyyamn. Not fair.

And then there was Biel. Jessica Biel.

The ultimate woman. Tall, lean and gorgeous– she has the body of a goddess. They are beautiful together. Her ass is amazing. I mean, I want to squeeze it. I have to say that.

Justin Timberlake ladies and gentlemen. Women love this dude. I honestly don’t think that men can argue with this one. They kinda have man-crushes on him. Look at what he has! If anything, he took Brit’s virginity and has slept with Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel. Pimp.

One final rumination– JT, I think you should do another Music Video with Andy. Instead of the Color Me Bad vibe, go for the actual Boy Band feel. Maybe get in a fight with Nick Lachey?

Just sayin’…