Tag Archives: TV

#34: GLEE

You knew this one was coming.

Intrinsically tied with Musicals, GLEE has something for every woman. It’s like a stereotype bonanza. I’ll just list a few– you know–to get your feet wet.

  1. The outsider with inexplicable talent
  2. The really, really hot Jock with a Heart of Gold
  3. The Gay kid with a killer falsetto and fashion sense
  4. Song
  5. Dance
  6. More song
  7. Witty reparte
  8. Teen Angst

We freaking love it. Seriously. Where else can I  hear a Broadway-like rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing” AND “Bohemian Rhapsody” in one episode? I think my head exploded watching the Season 2 finale. I actually teared up. I’m a Gleek. I admit it. Bite me.

Just sayin’…

I’ve tried to figure out what it is about this show that makes most women sit down at 9pm on a Tuesday and shssssh everyone in the room, ignoring the fact that they have a DVR and this behavior is unnecessary. I’ve already mentioned that being a theater nerd, the singing gets me every time. More than that though– GLEE brings a sense of joy to the room when I’m watching it. My suddenly mediocre day seems a little shinier with a bit of song, dance and sarcasm. Plus, Brittany’s one-liners about Gay Sharks and her cat reading her diary are epic. EPIC. I quote her constantly. She is the true hero of my Tuesdays.

This show also connects with more people than the typical musical. Would you rather hear a ballad/dirge, or a rocking rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Hmm? Ladies? I rest my case. (On that note– I heart you Bonnie Tyler. Thank you for this song, as well as “I Need a Hero”. Footloose would not be the same without your genius.)

But there’s the ‘Joy’ element again. Women of all ages watch GLEE, singing their hearts out with every song. It’s like a glorious Karaoke contest in our minds. Well, at least in my mind. You want these kids, these misfits, to succeed. You feel pain when they don’t, and joy when they do. It’s a bit sweet– like how High School could have been with a little improvisational song in the hallways. The solos by my locker would have been awesome…

Lastly, we cannot forget the genius that is Jane Lynch, AKA Sue Sylvester. Whether you like the show or not– this woman is the shit. Hilarious at every turn, she never falters. I swear she makes half of her lines up and they are all good. Why she doesn’t have her own damn show, I will never know. I often use her Will Shuster hair jokes on other people, just to see if they’ll work for me. They don’t. Why? Because I’m not motherf^&*%@* Jane Lynch, that’s why.

We can only hope that a meteorite falls on the studio that they film in. Assholes.

My husband hates GLEE. He would rather light his face on fire and dance a sexy jig at the BP station down the road than sit with me and watch it. I think most men feel this way about things that are musical related–he simply defends himself by saying that it’s contrived. I accept this fact, but I still watch it (knowing that he’s a TV snob). I just think the show should be accepted for what it is. It’s just fun. It’s not a depressing period piece, it’s not a formulaic cop-drama. Hell– it’s not a even the typical American-30-minute-shitty-sitcom like Two and a Half Men. I effing hate that show. Charlie Sheen– go fuck yourself. Seriously. John Cryer too. Eff you. And that fat kid actor in there– go outside and run. For like, 15 miles. Then, don’t eat for 4 days. That should help. How is this show still on TV? How? Tell me dammit! Good God.

I digress again. Okay, so GLEE isn’t Mad Men. I am totally aware of this. Still, it’s unique and it has spontaneous song. I love.

On that note, I leave you with this. My favorite Brittany and Sue Sylvester quotes. I defy you not to laugh.

Peace out and enjoy.

Brittany: “I’ve been here since first period. I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can’t remember how to leave.”

Sue Sylvester: I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting”

#11: TLC

Better known as The Learning ChannelTLC

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this glorious channel– how is it living in a Third World Country? I mean– really? This shit is awesome. TLC single-handedly became the station that all women watch. Bye bye Lifetime.

Let’s just list some of the programs that TLC has to offer:

  1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
  2. Little People, Big World
  3. Say Yes to the Dress
  4. What Not to Wear
  5. Cake Boss
  6. A Baby Story

Dude. I watch all of these. Except for the one about the midgets. I have an irrational fear of little people. They terrify me. If someone sent a little person dressed as a clown to my house, I might freak out and kill the poor, tiny bastard. That’s how I roll. But, I digress…

Let me break down the shows and why each is awesome in it’s own way.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

Jon and Kate Plus 8: He’s a total pussy. She’s a total pain in the ass. They have 8 kids. What is not awesome about this? We’ve watched the sad demise of their marriage through the tabloids recently, but for those of us that have watched this show for some time– we knew it was coming.  I mean, are you faithful viewers shocked? If I even spoke to my husband with half of the attitude she gives Jon– I shudder at the thought. The kids even mirror her psychotic behavior now. They have no respect for their father. It’s almost comedic–in a sad way. That’s what you get for being pussified for 10 long years. And that hair cut. What the hell is that? It’s straight outta Bull-Dyke Magazine. Ladies– if you treat your hubby like this– you deserve what you get.

It was going to end 1 of 2 ways: Divorce, or Jon stabbing Kate to death in her sleep. I was hoping for the other one. Oh well.

How did she birth the big kids?

How did she birth the big kids?

2. Little People, Big World: See above.

I DO NOT watch this. But I do spend time wondering how the little person Mommy gave birth to 2 real-sized kids. That is amazing.

3. Say Yes to the Dress: Wedding dresses. Crazy

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

brides, bridesmaids, and mothers. What woman wouldn’t want to watch this? Being a consultant at Kleinfeld’s must be the most cush job in the world. Next to real-estate. You basically bullshit women into buying a $3,000 dress. It doesn’t matter what it looks like on them– if the bride likes it, the consultant agrees that it’s perfect. She could look like Mariah Carey in a Band-aid dress (Sausage rolls anyone?), but if the bride adores it– it is suddenly ‘The One.’ See how it’s like real-estate?

Easiest job in the world. Bull-shitters.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

4. What Not to Wear: Makeover shows are a must-watch for women. We love feeling that we too can be beautiful. With $5,000, 2 personal stylists, a makeup artist, and a hair stylist– yep. We can do this. I watch it for the insults. I mean, sometimes it truly is beyond me how some women get to this point. And the makeover candidates actually ARGUE with Stacy and Clinton. Lady, you are in NYC for a makeover. Thousands of candidates were sifted through and sorted–you were chosen. What does that mean? You suck at clothes, hair, and well, being a woman. Don’t argue. Do what they say. Always.

When they emerge gorgeous at the end of the episode, and no one has said anything yet,  Stacy always says ‘shut up!’

And I cry.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

5. Cake Boss: Italian Stereotypes, New Jersey, Cake. Yep. That’s about it. Amazing.

6. A Baby Story: Don’t act like you’ve never seen it. Good God, when I was pregnant (both times), I watched it like a maniac. Women watch this show at any given time of the day. I think they should show the bad parts in Sex-Ed.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Let me tell you something– for some reason, the women they put on this show–ugh– why are they screamers in the delivery room? Grow a pair and push. Watching this show makes me feel like a badass. I own those women. 4 pushes bitches. 4.

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

That’s it folks. TLC. The new female entertainment giant. Reality TV at it’s finest. You tug at our heartstrings and we will reward you with ratings.

Gotta run– Jon and Kate is on. I am ashamed…