Tag Archives: wedding

#35: The Royals

More specifically? Royal weddings.

The concept that a rational, American woman would wake up at 5am, make some tea, eat some fancy sandwiches, wear a hat and weep over a wedding that isn’t even a fundamental part of our current American society– well, that befuddled my poor husband. It irritated him so deeply that he demanded I stop speaking of it in his presence. Seriously. It kind of sounded like a threat. I decided not to test him. So, I called my sisters instead. On my cell phone. At least 50 feet from my house. Like I said, I didn’t want to test him.

I’ll admit it. I cried. And all of you other American, hat-wearing, tea-drinking, waking-up- early bitches cried too. Did you see Prince William tell her she looked “beautiful?” Did you? DID YOU? Well, I did. And then I wept for about 15 minutes. Uncontrollably. Seriously. I looked like Claire Danes in My So-Called Life. And I wasn’t ashamed. And OMFG, did you see Kate’s dress? Alexander McQueen nearly killed me with its blinding beauty. And Pippa’s dress? Sweet Jesus, I died and went to heaven. Yes. I know her sister’s name. In fact, I follow her for fashion secrets on People.com now.  And you do too. Admit it.

She looks like a fucking demon. And she's not even the ugly one.

Just a note: Fergie’s kids did not win the looks lottery. Just sayin’.

Why do women care about this nonsense? What broke inside of us when we were 5, just after we saw The Little Mermaid or Beauty and The Beast and we all individually decided– I am soooo into princesses? I know more about British Royals than I should as a red-blooded American girl. I have to trace it back to Disney on some level. I mean, it has nothing to do with Historical references, so I have to assume that the evil bastards at Disney have ruined me and are now hell-bent on ruining my daughters. Note to self: Research female mental difficulties and their connections to the Disney Empire (Insert the Imperial March here).

I have to admit (I mean, I have nothing to lose at this point, do I?), I fucking love everything royal. I love their clothes. I love their accents. I love that they all do charity work because they don’t have real jobs and they’re bored.  I think they bring some class to the entertainment world– a type of  class that we lack with celebrities like Paris Hilton, Kanye West and Sarah Palin (If you think that she’s anything more than a C-List celeb, blow me).

As the ceremony neared, I couldn’t wait to see what Kate was going to wear, what the overrated Anglican ceremony would be like or what the Queen would say/do/or wear. Oh, and this just in England:  You are clearly Catholic. Don’t try and pretend like you’re anything else, you pompous bastards. Only the Pope could put on a show bigger than that and he’s too busy advocating abstinence in Africa and ignoring the AIDS epidemic altogether (“If I ignore it, then I don’t have to explain why God hates Africans”).

Look, if you didn’t already figure this out, women love a good wedding. Throw in a Princess, a horse drawn carriage, high fashion and a true love story straight out of a classy upper-class British romance novel– you’ve got yourself a winner. All women can just imagine the witty dialogue than ensued during that courtship. To us, Kate and William seem like a normal couple. They seem like two people all of us could hang out with. Hell, they invited their pub owner to their damn wedding– that is admirable and awesome. More than this, I think every woman out there recognizes the fact that Princess Diana still has a hold on most of us. Insert Disney hypnosis + tragic death here.  That equals pure gold as far as entertainment value is concerned– no matter how grotesque the concept may be. Women want William and Kate to be happy.  We actually care if they are. We also want to be able to say later in our lives,  “Yep. I watched it. it was amazing.”

Go ahead and mock us. We don’t care. Sure, we were tired that day. Sure, we spent too much money on collector’s magazines instead of that hair dye we needed to buy because ‘my hair has gotten a little bit brassy this spring and I really need to highlight it.’ Sure, we watched every E! highlight on the wedding after the fact and raved about hats, dresses and flowers. Sure, my husband threatened to shut down my cable TV if I talked about “that damn wedding” again. Still, I hold my head high. As do you, my sisters.

Just think, we have a Royal visit coming up soon. I wonder what Kate will wear? I wonder if they’ll dine at the White House? I guess I need to turn on E!

Let me just check and see if my husband is in the house. Nope. I’m home free.

Royals away!

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#11: TLC

Better known as The Learning ChannelTLC

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this glorious channel– how is it living in a Third World Country? I mean– really? This shit is awesome. TLC single-handedly became the station that all women watch. Bye bye Lifetime.

Let’s just list some of the programs that TLC has to offer:

  1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
  2. Little People, Big World
  3. Say Yes to the Dress
  4. What Not to Wear
  5. Cake Boss
  6. A Baby Story

Dude. I watch all of these. Except for the one about the midgets. I have an irrational fear of little people. They terrify me. If someone sent a little person dressed as a clown to my house, I might freak out and kill the poor, tiny bastard. That’s how I roll. But, I digress…

Let me break down the shows and why each is awesome in it’s own way.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

God, she sucks. But I love it.

Jon and Kate Plus 8: He’s a total pussy. She’s a total pain in the ass. They have 8 kids. What is not awesome about this? We’ve watched the sad demise of their marriage through the tabloids recently, but for those of us that have watched this show for some time– we knew it was coming.  I mean, are you faithful viewers shocked? If I even spoke to my husband with half of the attitude she gives Jon– I shudder at the thought. The kids even mirror her psychotic behavior now. They have no respect for their father. It’s almost comedic–in a sad way. That’s what you get for being pussified for 10 long years. And that hair cut. What the hell is that? It’s straight outta Bull-Dyke Magazine. Ladies– if you treat your hubby like this– you deserve what you get.

It was going to end 1 of 2 ways: Divorce, or Jon stabbing Kate to death in her sleep. I was hoping for the other one. Oh well.

How did she birth the big kids?

How did she birth the big kids?

2. Little People, Big World: See above.

I DO NOT watch this. But I do spend time wondering how the little person Mommy gave birth to 2 real-sized kids. That is amazing.

3. Say Yes to the Dress: Wedding dresses. Crazy

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

You look amazing. Really. Now, where is my commission?

brides, bridesmaids, and mothers. What woman wouldn’t want to watch this? Being a consultant at Kleinfeld’s must be the most cush job in the world. Next to real-estate. You basically bullshit women into buying a $3,000 dress. It doesn’t matter what it looks like on them– if the bride likes it, the consultant agrees that it’s perfect. She could look like Mariah Carey in a Band-aid dress (Sausage rolls anyone?), but if the bride adores it– it is suddenly ‘The One.’ See how it’s like real-estate?

Easiest job in the world. Bull-shitters.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

Saving Fashion Retards. One show at a time.

4. What Not to Wear: Makeover shows are a must-watch for women. We love feeling that we too can be beautiful. With $5,000, 2 personal stylists, a makeup artist, and a hair stylist– yep. We can do this. I watch it for the insults. I mean, sometimes it truly is beyond me how some women get to this point. And the makeover candidates actually ARGUE with Stacy and Clinton. Lady, you are in NYC for a makeover. Thousands of candidates were sifted through and sorted–you were chosen. What does that mean? You suck at clothes, hair, and well, being a woman. Don’t argue. Do what they say. Always.

When they emerge gorgeous at the end of the episode, and no one has said anything yet,  Stacy always says ‘shut up!’

And I cry.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

It looks all Sopranos-y, but with cake instead of strippers.

5. Cake Boss: Italian Stereotypes, New Jersey, Cake. Yep. That’s about it. Amazing.

6. A Baby Story: Don’t act like you’ve never seen it. Good God, when I was pregnant (both times), I watched it like a maniac. Women watch this show at any given time of the day. I think they should show the bad parts in Sex-Ed.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Aw..So cute. Painful, but cute.

Let me tell you something– for some reason, the women they put on this show–ugh– why are they screamers in the delivery room? Grow a pair and push. Watching this show makes me feel like a badass. I own those women. 4 pushes bitches. 4.

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

That’s it folks. TLC. The new female entertainment giant. Reality TV at it’s finest. You tug at our heartstrings and we will reward you with ratings.

Gotta run– Jon and Kate is on. I am ashamed…